How curious this. This breaking of rules. This exploration of darkness. This permission to be bad. I know it’s the other side of a coin. I know it’s not safe. I know I shouldn’t. I know there will be regrets. I know. I know. I know. But…
A boy said to me, once a long time ago, “I want to suck the marrow out of life”. I keep coming back to that. To the choice one has. To exist. Or to live. The crazy challenge being to brave the hurt without hiding. To brave experience without building a callus of uncaring. To be fierce without causing harm.
Sometimes I wonder how I’ve reached 36 and can still be so naïve. And sometimes I grin with glee that there is still so much to do. That old adage, that the only thing you’ll really regret are the things you didn’t do.
It’s been a good / bad week. And I’m not entirely sure what to do with what it’s brought me?
i have built a few selectively-placed walls here and there. a bit of kevlar on this bit, and just a patch of fiberglass on that one… i am armoured up where i feel i need to be. it’s created limitations in what i experience in some ways, but in others, it allows me to go forth with aggression and carefully managed fearlessness in other ways…
I love your kevlar. You seem to manage it really well. One day…when I’m a grown up…I’ll be fearless too!
Movement is a good thing, sounds positve, much love xxx
It is. It’s been a good couple of weeks. I can feel bits of myself emerging again. Which is good.
Just run with it darlin’
Gotta stop overthinking things
And here I am, contemplating a trip that I can barely afford, just because if I don’t take it I might explode. Like so many deferred dreams. Hmm . . .
Go! And then write us all about it!
Interviews by hospice indicate that people do not regret the things they did so much as they regret the things they did not do.
GO. Do not defer your dreams. Life is short.
Unless you believe in reincarnation
There are no do-overs. I’d never given it much thought before. I hope I’ve done at least as much living as existing.
There’s a song by “A Perfect Circle” titled “Gravity.” It spoke to me once.
Lost again, broken and weary
Unable to find my way
Tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
Unable to just let this go
I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me,
Lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live…
I fell again, like a baby
Unable to stand on my own
Tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
Unable to just let this go
I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me
Lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live…
I choose to live…
I choose to live…
Catch me, heal me
Lift me back up to the sun
Help me survive the bottom
Calm these hands before they
Snare another pill and
Drive another nail down
Another needy hole
Please release me…
I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
Catch me heal me
Lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live…
I choose to live…
Thanks Rob – it captures a lot of what’s going on. The surrender is interesting too.
Do you know, that one of my anthems at the moment is “Defying Gravity” from the Musical Wicked (if you don’t know it, it’s about the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz. In this version, she’s the good guy, and everyone else is fucked up. It’s AWESOME.)
In it she sings:
Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I’m through with playing by the rules
Of someone else’s game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It’s time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes and leap
It’s time to try
Defying gravity
I think I’ll try
Defying gravity
And you can’t pull me down…
The whole song ROCKS (I’m a bit of a musical groupie)…
Listen to it here:
I spent so much time exploring the darkness i forgot what the light looked like, don’t get me wrong i now like lying in the sun half naked but i’ve always loved the dark end of the street, mentally and physically.
I won’t lie, I like it too. For a while I wondered if that was why I was sinking…because I liked the dark.
If being bad makes you feel alive? Go with it.
That’s what I said. *grin*