Today

Today, I’m not in the mood. It’s been a bad month. Of waiting. Of wanting. Of not knowing. The breath snatching crush of clay footed idols and the odd unsettling disappearing act. The hollow space has shifted again. And I’m unsure of where I stand. I feel the warm creep of summer. But I’m not the woman I was when the sun last warmed me. I’m less. And so much more. And I’m wondering why my tolerance has become so selective. Why I can’t bare the scraping of a life against the boards. Why I can’t stomach another round of ‘how are you’s’ and air kisses. Why I rage against lives not worn in. Worn out. Why I’m pissed off with wondering where the point lies. Where the joins crack and bubble. And why connecting is so very easy, yet so very, very hard.

And so I’ll mash through this day. End it with a drink. And hope I wake again, better. Lighter. Unburdened by this overbearing, overwhelming need to give a shit.

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46 thoughts on “Today

  1. dex says:

    Holy crap, girl. I so understand. If you were further North from Geeky Mountain, I’d buy you that drink, we’d have an oily pub-platter and talk about it. We’d perhaps realise that the point is relationships – how we will be remembered by all we meet. Or we might realise the point is in reaching your full potential; becoming more that the fragile sacks of meat we are. Or we’ll see that the point is in helping those around us, in trying to heal the species. We’ll talk about our families, I’ll tell some silly story about my wife or kid, you’ll relate something back, and we’ll realise that family must be the point.

    Then we’ll clink our glasses, laugh our asses off at the ridiculousness of it all, and then, only then, we’ll know what the point is – it’s the magic moments that pass every day, mostly unnoticed.

  2. dolce says:

    ….mmm. I know Dex. And I’m one of those perpetually annoying chicks who takes time to rever the mundane, the chocolate box beauty of day-to-day moments; a vermillion sunset, the sound of birds at dawn, the quietly observed caress of Mr and Mrs Rabinovitz, married for 50 years. I treasure my family. I feel the power of my own true self. I try and be authentic in every encounter.

    But sometimes it just feels like a pastiche. The frantic banging of a drum in an empty room.

    But next time I’m North, lets toast the futility and ruminate over what we can do next to fill the hole.

  3. dex says:

    Taking into account your mood, today might not be the best time for this. Nevertheless, I just want to clarify:

    I am happily married, to a very passionate, intelligent, and good looking woman. I will not compromise my family for anything. Sometimes I flirt here, sure, but it’s just a blog, it’s not life. It’s the equivalent of sneaking looks at pretty girls in pubs and restaurants; all guys do it, some just don’t admit it. If you’re out to pick up chicks, you don’t generally sell yourself as a married, middle-class dad from the ‘burbs, you know.

    So when I talk about an imaginary drink in a town 2000km’s away from you, it’s just that – imaginary. There is absolutely nothing cagey about it. Feel free to share this info with your blogs24.com mates, too.

    Hope you feel better soon, girl.

  4. dolce says:

    Not for one second do I imagine that these little verbal thrusts and parries mean anything in the real, outside the beaten landscape of the ‘mark. I crossed that blurred little line once and, for me, thank fek, it was good. So even I’m a borderline ‘burb chick now.

    Besides the fact, I’m rather offended that you think I’d want to compromise your family either. Up yours, Dexter. I’ve told you, you’re good dad, and even I, at my most foul, am in awe of that.

    When I say cagey I mean that when poked with a stick, I’m never entirely sure whether you’ll poke back, ooze sarcasm or whip out your creased old photo of Maggie.

    So, whoa cowboy.

  5. dex says:

    …mostly just check AJ’s blog to see if he’s back. Any ideas what happened to him?

  6. zephilla says:

    Why would you think I would have an idea of what happened to him?

  7. dex says:

    What was I supposed to think after accidentally seeing the hidden cagey comment and then your careful, almost sterile reply? Looked like a disguised rejection to a proposition I didn’t make. I don’t think you’re easy or desperate, Dolce. But that’s the thing here: no intonation, no facial expressions – misunderstandings easily happen.

    So: I’m sorry. We cool?

    Oh and thanks for the compliment. When you’re up here again, I know a great pub right next to a B+B… 😉

  8. dex says:

    I just though he might have left a comment on a blog over there or something.

  9. zephilla says:

    None that I’ve seen.

  10. dolce says:

    but you sure have a way with the old poke stick;

    I don’t think you’re easy or desperate, Dolce….”

    I should bloody well hope not. Sheesh, a girl has standards, after all….

    And it wasn’t hidden, just not here. And not sterile, just….barely controlled…but same difs I suppose.

    I’m forced to play on 24.com because no one will play with me here…

    ….oh, crap! I am desperate.

    Ag, I’m not myself today.

    And a B&B? If you’re not going to splash out on 4 star, Dexter Dogface, bugger you!

  11. dex says:

    In context, just not here seemed the same as hidden. And I promise, as soon as I get this pointy thing out of my back, I’ll get a second job and we can go 5 star, baby.

    *I’ll stop now, promise.

  12. dolce says:

    You conclusion jumper you…

    And nah, don’t stop…best fun I’ve had on the ‘mark in ages!

    I hear a corner on Kenilworth main road has opened up, if you’re serious about that second job?

  13. andreas says:

    How cool is this? I log on to the ‘Mark for the first time in ages and catch a still-warm conversation between Dex & Dolce, two of my favourite bloggers.

    I haven’t been anywhere, Dex. It’s just that I suddenly found a whole lotta other things to do once I stopped blogging here after the last fuckin’ upgrade. Fuck, man, is it just me or does this place really suck without the “recent posts” feature? Blogmark’s been a real shithole of late (don’t worry; I hate blog24 even more) but I reckon I’ll lurk here for as long as pious keeps posting her stuff. Love that girl.

    Ja, Dex, we still need to have that beer we mentioned once (relax, Dolce, I don’t want to fuck him). Hey, I actually met someone from the blog recently, and got a whole lot of offline skinner I can share. Haha… who woulda thought…

    PS: Saw kate_r last night. She’s still “intrigued” by you. So if we ever do meet for a beer, she’s gonna bug me for a detailed description. And she can be very persuasive. Just so you know….in case you really want to preserve the “mystique” and all that.

  14. dolce says:

    Um, so, like, howzit bru…

    *Dolce swiftly abandons her attempt to be cool*

    Where you been cherub pot – we missed you! Now, are you back for a visit or are you going to pop in and play a little more often?

    And I don’t mind if you fuck Dex, really.

    *happy grin*

  15. ramon says:

    Where the fuck have you been, man?
    Had a moment on the toilet this morning thinking about you!

  16. dex says:

    …there’s not enough Vaseline in existence for that to ever, ever happen.

  17. dex says:

    Got worried you upped and became a fuckin’ Canadian, man. Did you know those okes have flip-top heads? You’d never fit in.

    Now I guess I’ll have to do that beer. You got me very curious… So as soon as things lighten up at work, we’ll make a plan.

    You’d better be careful about what you divulge to Katie though…I, too, can be pretty persuasive, and she’s got a certain picture if I recall…

  18. ramon says:

    WTF! You’ve been raving about London and your new shoes all month, and now this depressing post.

    But I do know what you by tolerance.
    This Phillipina woman at work keeps on humming the Thai national anthem and, well…, you know what I mean.
    Geminis hey!

    But I’m with Dex on the magic moments shit.

    “Breathe in, breathe out.”
    – Mr Miyagi

  19. ramon says:

    That was my moment on the loo this morning!

    I saw Andreas waving in slow motion, eating a yellow snow cone!

  20. dolce says:

    I’m just a little OTT today…

    But my little sabre rattling moment with Dexter has made me feel all better.

    And the thought of my shoes.

    Which I’m wearing right now!

    Thanks china…

    How’s the coup…I’m cooking up a teeny blog just for you…hopefully, if I can pull my finger out, it’ll still actually be relevant…maybe.

    Ag

  21. andreas says:

    Fucking endorses that sentiment.

  22. ramon says:

    There’ll be a lot of reading for you to do next week, too.
    Old L and B are in for it!

  23. andreas says:

    Not a goddamn Canuck yet. What’s up, bro? How’s your book coming along?

  24. ramon says:

    Book’s coming on fine – just have another 4 years or so to go.
    Anyway, dude, blog’s been shit.
    Bunch of sad cunts sharing their fucking shitty relationship problems.
    I’ve stayed away for a while.
    But next week the shit’s gonna hit the fan!
    Holiday time – in front of the computer!

    (Wanted to go to the beach, but ‘managed’ to knock up my wife again)

  25. andreas says:

    Not much to report…bit of this, bit of that. Been dipping my, uh, toes into the turbulent waters of singledom and having a minor career crisis. That’s all. You? Still blissfully happy with der Psychologe ? Of course you are. Makes me want to puke.

  26. dolce says:

    Makes me want to puke too!

    And easy there, china….bliss implies ignorance and we’re too flippin’ scarred for that shit…

    So, career crisis? Mid-life, gotta find some meaning variety? Or the bust skimming the company coffers type?

  27. dolce says:

    hit a nerve there, boys?

  28. dolce says:

    Some nice Ed Norton fantasies to take me into the darkness that is my October…I will wait with antici….pation!

  29. ramon says:

    going on on the blog! Can’t wait Dolce!

    *Ramon reaches into ‘medicine’ cabinet*

    Mumbles to self: “Ahh, still some Vaso left! Thought I’d finished that this morning!”

  30. dex says:

    …I’m on the next flight out.

    BTW, it’ll also be last time you can hold anything tightly.

  31. ramon says:

    Are you gonna shake my world?
    Can’t wait!

  32. dolce says:

    cowboy….who knew!

  33. ramon says:

    Everybody! He’s always going on about girl-on-girl stuff, Family-stuff, and so on.
    Bit obvious, if ask me.

  34. dex says:

    I’m gonna ride you like a kwat.

    Eeuuuwwgghh. Okay this is getting way. too. hairy.
    ha.

  35. ramon says:

    Kwatgat. no. hey. that’s me!
    Kwatgat!

    Hahaha!

  36. dolce says:

    I.am.gob.smacked.

    But in a much better mood.

    Thanks lady boys!

  37. dex says:

    that’s funny!

  38. micatyro says:

    Hey – you owe me a brew too dre.

    Why is Zeph so cagey about your whereabouts?

  39. zephilla says:

    Was just wondering why Dex thought I would have a clue about A’s whereabouts.

  40. micatyro says:

    Just heard some stuff outside of blogmark last month when I was in the UK – thought you and Andreas had met at some point, guess I’m just picking up stompies.

    I saw someone with a little girl at Blairgowrie Plaza a couple of weeks back – I had a really strong feeling it could have been you. I was with my son and we were busy checking out the Iguanas in the pet shop window. It was just a feeling at the time and probably totally wrong.

  41. zephilla says:

    Don’t beleive everything that you are told.

    And it wasn’t me that you saw, although I used to live in that area a while ago…I’m now in Sandton. So any shopping I do is at Sandton City, doll 😉

  42. micatyro says:

    Sandton is just too big to bump into blogmarkers! I guess our common ground is Fratellis. Although we always seem to end up there after a walk on a weekend and then it’s just us, manager and waitresses – maybe one other bloke reading his paper in the smoking section. Joshua then has the place to himself and particularly enjoys the bubbles in the jukebox.

  43. zephilla says:

    ..when i am there. Mostly go there during the week though, round about 6 at night. Lenore loves that jukebox too.

  44. andreas says:

    As soon as Dex sorts his work shit out, the three of us will meet up for that beer at the Jolly. Or are you still drinking Chardonnay in the pursuit of washboard abs? So…where’d you pick up those stompies?

  45. micatyro says:

    Washboard abs… ha! beer barrel belly more like, lost 2kg’s and gave up. Oh well – beer’s fine for me, put the chardonnay on ice.

    There was a stompie or two picked up in the UK.

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