Watching

Nothing to say. Nothing. A thousand starts. A thousand ways to frame how I feel. A conversation of parts in my head. You say. I say. Nothing’s heard. And I wonder if this is really the end. The middle of the end. The end of a beginning. A numb little moment of ending. Where two people talk and the sound’s turned down. And they talk. And talk. And the silence of what’s unsaid is overwhelming. A crashing, seething, howling void of silence. Pathetic little gestures of meaning lost in the talking words. And I’m not sure I want to talk anymore. I watch instead. Mouth moving. Hands plucking at the edges of my shirt. Watch with a dispassionate eye. Turned inward. Seeing you. Really seeing. And wondering if you can see me.

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20 thoughts on “Watching

  1. medusajane says:

    I remember the communication issues of being married. Going to see Jane, the marriage counsellor. Talking, talking. Changing a nappy (he managed to pooh every time we went). Jane makes a ruling. And 6 weeks later the whole thing is an issue again, with both of you remembering differently what her ruling was.

    I’m sure a counsellor isn’t supposed to make rulings, but in the one case that I vividly remember, she did. It was about my ex watching Carte Blanche with my 1 year old son. It all came to a head one day when they showed three dead mercenaries, lying spreadeagled on the ground, naked except for white underpants. Jane agreed that the ex’s argument (“He’s too young to understand”) was precisely why he shouldn’t be watching vivid pictorial adult content. But 6 weeks later he was watching TV again, saying that Jane had said the ex should switch off if there was anything vivid. (When both Jane and I knew that he was on the lowest possible level of ability to self-monitor his actions – I would never have agreed to something so patently ineffective). Stupid doos. I still hate him.

  2. micatyro says:

    …you a good blogger. That’s all.

  3. dex says:

    When did you get married?

    And Mica right – you a good blogger

  4. micatyro says:

    …I think she’s maybe talking about her cat? Not sure. I. Particularly like the. Use of full. Stops. Though.

  5. micatyro says:

    DEXTROMICALICIOUS MALE ESCORTS?

  6. ramon says:

    This reminds me of when I just got married.
    Whenever there was an argument, the wife just ignored me.

    It was great for a while, as I could go and do whatever I wanted – stupid doos that I was (as MJ said) – I thought she was being idiotic, but after a couple of days (sometimes weeks!!) I got nervous and realized who the real idiot was.

    Me.

    Turns out she just couldn’t say what she wanted at the time of the argument, as she was afraid of hurting my feelings. So she kept it in.

    And I went drinking with my buddies; not even apologizing.

    We don’t argue anymore.

    Great post.

  7. dex says:

    It might just be.

    Straight after we help out the Desert Bat we stop over in the Mutha City and give her the ol’ one-two.

  8. dolce says:

    not only you good blogger, but you offering two for the price of one. Nice! I’ll be waiting. You know. For the ol’ one-two. (What is that, by the way)

    Cat. Um. Ja. In the Kaap sense. Natuurlik. And those full stops? Must be that time of the month.

    Ok. That was weak.

    And Ja, Ramona, I’ve been holding my tongue for that reason too. Don’t want to be saying things that don’t matter. That feel good at the time. And might be true. But don’t matter. Make sense?

  9. dolce says:

    watching that stuff isn’t even good for grownups.

  10. dex says:

    I reckon sometimes, it’s important to not hold your tongue. There are ways of saying how you feel without being hurtful. Also, if you leave things to simmer, they sometimes become much bigger than the need to be.

    Oh, and the ol’ one-two?

    We can tell you, but then we’d have to feel you.

    erm.

  11. dolce says:

    I know. Finding the ol’ balance between saying the things that are meaningful and saying the things that are just plain mean, hey? I’m biting back on the mean stuff. Unsual for me, I know.

    Now, do I get to be felt but both of you? ’cause I ain’t sure even two of you could handle it….

  12. blackrose says:

    Jinne can everybody relate to this or what but well said..no one could have said it better!

    Sterkte!
    Blackrose

  13. flutter says:

    Great blog D! Everybody can so relate to this.

    What can I say? Been there, done that!

    Hang in there lady!!

  14. dex says:

    We’ll give you the Royal one-two.

    And yeah, we can handle it. In fact, so far we’ve converted 2 nuns, and fixed 7 lesbians. So a well-adjusted girl like yerself won’t be a problem, I’m sure.

  15. dolce says:

    well-adjusted

    haahaaaahahahahaha

    *wipes tears away from eyes*

    you’re fekkin’ hilarious, Dex.

    the Royal version…the one where I get two queens instead of an ace in the hole?

  16. dex says:

    That’s the one where you get the king of spades.

    Nothing like a game of Texas hold-’em (down).

  17. starshine says:

    your blog is brilliant! But it also makes me sad.
    “A crashing, seething, howling void of silence” is a very good way to describe it.

  18. dolce says:

    Starshine.

    And thanks.

  19. dolce says:

    you have, haven’t you? 😉

    You’d think, since we all go through this, that we’d have worked out how not to do it. Or something.

  20. joeblog says:

    It kills me knowing that kids are exposed to that sort of shit. You are only a kid once, and wile you are a kid be exposed to kid things, because your foundation at different stages in your life is what will make you a well grounded individual when you get older.

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