There are days and days when I live inside my head.  Automated days. The ticks and steady tocks of each grey and marching day utterly irrelevant to the wild internal riot.  

I sometimes wonder if the people around me can see.  If they notice that I’m not myself.   That I’m inside out and all over the place.  That I feel caged.  Fettered.  Pacing, pacing through the narrow, shadowed walls. Unable to articulate the kaleidoscope of running thoughts ricocheting in my head. That on days like these every decision looms like a leviathan.  Every choice a different path; life changing, uncharted.  When every word is a Chinese puzzle to be examined, unlocked, understood.  Each word within its string a map to different meaning.   

Distracted, mistimed, out of keeping with the usual unfolding of my quite life.  I can’t slow it down. I can’t stop the endless, grinding review.   

And I know what I’d say, if this wasn’t me, but rather someone else, caught in the machine.  I know what advice I’d give, what path I’d recommend.  It’s as clear as a ringing bell.  (Wry smile and a nodding acknowledgement to the irony of the voice of reason.)  But that’s the thing.  It always is.  It’s not as easy.  Complicated.  Layered with what if.  Driven by deeper things.  Singing lei lines.  Invisible binding things.  And, too, unutterable things.  Things that hover on the dark edges.  That scutter and run when the shadows move.  I know.  

And yet, through it all, like a hum, there’s a certain knowing.  A calm that says; why all the fuss.  Why the raging.  Let it down.  Set it free.  Don’t rail and heave.  Take a deep breath.  And breathe.


32 thoughts on “Breathless

  1. kyknoord says:

    Don’t keep us in suspense! What’s the advice?
    “Don’t spit into the wind”?
    “Don’t stare directly at the sun”?
    “Don’t get into the left lane until after the second traffic light”?
    “Beware the lure of the Dark Side”?
    C’mon, what?

  2. dolce says:

    “Don’t listen to crusty, bearded old photographer men who entreat you to give them all your money”

  3. Spoegs says:

    Sh*t – I need to go on an english course or something. Does entreat mean the same as shag?

  4. Semisweet says:

    lol…aahh…Spoegs…only you 🙂

    It means – plead, implore, beg, ask request

  5. Semisweet says:

    Nice one Dolce. Sometimes I feel like that as well

  6. Katt says:

    You are so right, we are in the same headspace at the moment. Only I can’t express it like you do. Damn! You’re GOOD!

  7. Spoegs says:

    Thanks. Changes the meaning of the advice slightly. Thanks Dolce/Semisweet.

  8. Semisweet says:

    It does…guess it does sound better if he ‘shags’ you to get all your money but who wants to shag a crusty, old bearded photographer man?

  9. Dolce says:

    Spoegs how many times, man. I’m.Not.Going.To.Shag.You!

    Semi which is the only thing Spoegies can do. Bless.

    Semi…again and thanks!

    Katt Haha, was just thinking that about you. Mutual appreciation society rocks!

    Spoegs…again just a smidge.

    Semi Oi. He might be crusty. But he’s a fekkin’ good photographer. And I hear he’s actually a stud. No, not the kind on the rugby boot. Or the kind you find amongst horses. Um…actually, I don’t know what kind. Must read the small print.

  10. Spoegs says:

    Dolce – I don’t shag, I make lurrrve. I never said I wanted to shag you – I just want us to be friends.

  11. Dolce says:

    Spoegs I’ve heard that one before!

  12. Spoegs says:

    You lank suttel with your innooendos hay!

  13. kyknoord says:

    Does this photographer person have his own cult? Holy shit, you’re not talking about me, are you?

  14. Spoegs says:

    KC, come cause some sh*t here, its lank infantile, but its great – should cheer you up. You can mess with Dolce’s mind by talking about shagging her!

  15. Semisweet says:

    Dolce I wonder if he can or if he just thinks he can…you know…his bark is louder than his bite 🙂

    Maybe the photographer is the kind u find on those pieces of jewellery you wear on your body….. 🙂

    kyk…does that mean u a crusty, bearded old man? 😉

  16. Dolce says:

    Spoegs I should have my own talk show.

    Krysty Kyk Now, whatever gave you that idea?

    Spoegs…again thanks chook, but KC doesn’t want to play here…she’s cross because I keep making fun of her footwear and religion and she’s having far more fun poking rabid Zimbos with sharpened sticks.

    SemiAll talk, no trousers! And go look at Kyk’s pics on flickr (too lazy to link)…bearded. Probably crusty too. Have you read the twits?

  17. Semisweet says:

    That would be a splendid idea dolce…your own talk show. Im sure you’ll give that Noeleen Maha whatever a run for her money.

    LOL. Hey Spoegs…cat got your tongue? 🙂 Dolce be right then?

    Ok, I’ll go check out his pics and then will let u know

  18. Dolce says:

    I’m proud to say, i can almost say Nolene’s full name.

    But that’s besides the point. I hope some pussy is getting the benefit of Spoeg’s tongue. All that begging must have got him somewhere with someone? Surely?

  19. Semisweet says:

    Yeah…but can u spell it…lol

    Hey Spoeg…how long’s your tongue? 😉

    So is he also into Jewish foreplay….30 minutes of begging?

  20. Spoegs says:

    Semi – too easy, I’ve matured – A while ago I would have jumped at the opportunity to play on the words tongue, cat, pussy etc. now I just sit here in the smouldering embers, nod and say – long enough baby, long enough.

  21. Semisweet says:

    Matured? Sounds vintage. So u a very matured 21 then? 🙂

    Ive heard that size doesnt matter…its what you do with it…

  22. dolce says:


    Spoegs. See. Now it’s working. Mysterious. Aloof. See, Semi’s even asking you salacious questions now!

  23. Semisweet says:

    lol…just curious dolce *whistles*

  24. 302 says:

    sounds like you need a ferris, a stiff drink and your slippers. ooh those unbearable lightness of being days hey…sigh, sip, sigh.

  25. Arbchick says:

    Um….sounds like every second of my life actually….a bit depressing really…….hmmmm…..don’t want any advice – never listen anyway. Also, don’t have any advice….nah……never works anyway…….pffffttt……great post Dolce…great post.

  26. Dolce says:

    Ta Arb. I’m usually fairly external about what’s going on in my head. But when it gets important, it gets a little more internal. Depressing indeed.

  27. Semisweet says:

    Not depressing at all Dolce. You like millions others who dont really think that the important stuff should be externalised until it gets really bad and you cant handle it. If you can handle it and sort it out then nobody needs to really know how crazy you are 🙂

  28. dolce says:

    302 Sorry man, your comment got caught in the spam filters…something you’re not telling me? And I’m more likely to rip up the slippers and slam the glass against the wall. Or maybe just cry. Donna. Haven’t decided yet. But ja, those days suck.

  29. Semisweet says:

    Crying always works

  30. 302 says:

    dunno how the filter work either – and to think i may be spam – hopefully with beans.

  31. dolce says:

    302 I’m slightly obsessed with beans at the moment. Of the baked kind. Odd!

  32. dolce says:

    Oh and Semi, it does, indeed it does!

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