john-wayne.jpgAs if running wasn’t bad enough, I’ve discovered a new, associated joy to the bounding, huffing art that is a good jog. 

Crack chafe.  

Yes, you heard me.  Crack chafe.  That delightful little outcome of the wayward sweat that trickles from the top of your head, down your back, into the perfectly formed funnel of your arse, where friction and moisture combine to create a burning, skin abrading, irritating little patch of hellfire. Crack Chafe.  Cheek rub. Bum roasties.  

And when you have an ample arse, like mine, the surface area available for crack chafe is abundant.  Fabulous, isn’t it.  Big arse, more chafe. Once again the loving universe cackles loudly and picks its nose.

And it’s not just the universe wot is cackling.  Friends too.  (The bastards.)  Brandishing nappy creams and sundry nefarious opinions.  Trying, particularly unsuccessfully to stifle graceless bloody giggles.  

So, the next time you’re on the prom, and you see a lovely, booty endowed woman, walking like John Wayne with a cucumber up his bottom, nod and wave.  


92 thoughts on “Crack

  1. Flutter says:

    Sorry D, crack chafe is nothing snort at.
    * stifled giggle*

    Ok! I am laughing so hard people are staring!
    Sorry, that image of John Wayne just sent me over the edge.

  2. Spoegs says:

    RUNNERSGUIDE!!!! – I think we have problem here. Dolce suffers from crack chaffe when running – any suggestions?

  3. Nossie says:

    Yes…don’t wear any underwear!!!!

  4. Spoegs says:

    Dolce – I’ve got a picture in my head now of you and its not helluva flattering. Nossie surely the underwear would keep everything “together” and prevent the offending cheeks from doing the “automated floor polisher motion”.

  5. dolce says:

    Flutter How rude. Where’s the love? The support? *pffffttttt* (Thank god I’ve got a sense of humour. I’m laughing too. When I’m not crying.)

    Spoegs Brilliant idea. Bring all the professional runners over here to laugh at me. Nice, brother, NICE!

    Nossie Mmm. If it wasn’t you, Nos, I’d suspect you were Spoegs in disguise. But really? Really?

    Spoegs…again *cackle* Does that mean I can’t sit on your lap anymore Oupa?

  6. Spoegs says:

    Sorry Dolce *Hug* with attempted bum tweak. Oh Sorry again *Hug* with attempted bum pat Oh sorry again. Sh*t I give up.

  7. Arbchick says:

    Pffffttt…I never sweat so don’t have a problem. I think you have to be warm blooded to sweat, no?

  8. Arbchick says:

    Hey Flutter!! Good to see you here for a visit darl!

  9. Flutter says:

    Hey Arbie, you don’t visit me anymore…. whaaaaa!!!!!!.

    Dolce, crack chafe is bad, you should try fanny chafe riding a bike! Sure there are better ways to get fanny chafe but they are hard to come by.

  10. Dusty Muffin says:

    Now you know of another use for KY jelly…

    And Dolce – don’t even THINK about cycling then – the saddle adds to the misery.

    And have you seen those okes who run with plasters on their nipples? Try running without a bra, and you’ll soon find out why…

    (Just stand next to the road on any given Easter Saturday, and look for chaps with bleeding nipples. Ew. You’ll just KNOW that this is their first Oceans.)

  11. Arbchick says:

    LOL Flutter! I’m sorry I haven’t visited you lately……have not had much time for blogging to be honest, but poor excuse I know. I haven’t read any of Ramons stuff for days – which is really not like me! I will come and visit you soon hun – I promise……..kay.

    Re. fanny chafe…..*um*….ya….a better way to get it has contributed to my lack of blogging lately *blush*

  12. Arbchick says:

    Hey Dusty – did you have a cool birthday yesterday???!!!

  13. Dusty Muffin says:

    Arbie thanks, ja it was very mellow. Lots of calls, emails and sms’s (and a blogday cake from semi and y’all). Me a very lucky girl. Planning to do something more exotic on Friday – I’m getting to the age where a hangover can last for three days. Not good planning if inflicted on a Monday night!

  14. Spoegs says:

    Dusty – Did you come right?

  15. Dusty Muffin says:

    Spoegs – where did I go wrong?

  16. Spoegs says:

    I don’t know I wasn’t there.

  17. The xGW says:

    ooo ooo ooo, have you tried actually putting cucumber on your bottom? a slice or two may actually work! don’t knock it til you tried it i say – fresh produce can be a *wonderful* thing. ahem.

  18. Nossie says:

    You girls have got it all wrong…we dont sweat – we GLISTEN… (only under certain circumstances, to be honest).

    Talking about “sweaty behinds”…the ultimate in bad form is not wiping off the bicycle/rowing machine seat at the gum when youre done….yuck.

  19. Nossie says:

    GYM not GUM….

  20. K Chasu says:

    dolce… yet another reason not to exercise.

  21. Dolce says:

    Spoegs & Dusty You guys need a room?

    X-GW Mmmm. I’m thinking slimy cucs might not be what I want between me cheeks, no matter how cooling. Oooh, I’ve grossed myself out. Ik.

    Nos I glisten like a faucet, girl! Oooh, and yes. Seriously naaaasty!

    KChas Have to. Luuuuuurve food. Naturally generous proportions. No exercise = lardgirl. *sigh*

  22. doesn’t powder help…? or does it just make a paste?

  23. Nossie says:

    Darlings…when other forms of stress relief are not availble..a good hard sweaty work-out at the gym does it for me…

  24. Semisweet says:

    Dolce, food is just so evil. I also love it too much. Joined the gym abt a month ago but it seems like Im just going to end up paying monthly premiums to the Virgin Charity Fund.

    But there is the perfect diet out there…..

    Take a packet of weetbix, sprinkle it (ok, add a good dollop) of aero and there you have it…aerobix… you cant go wrong 🙂

  25. Dolce says:

    Nos I’m getting there….NEVER thought I would (I used to be an anti-gym Nazi) but now I get up at SIX O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING to get my fix. Bad stuff, man, bad stuff.

    Semi Haha I’m on that seafood diet. I see food and I eat it. And if it’s covered with butter, so much the better!

  26. dolce says:

    Cheap Thrills There’s something faintly ik about powdering your own bottom.

  27. Semisweet says:

    Ha ha yep, love that diet as well Dolce.

    Im also on the whole light eating thing…as soon as there’s light, I eat

  28. Semisweet says:

    Btw Nossie/Spoegs, when is your b/day…wanna add it to my list.

  29. Spoegs says:

    Being from a different planet I use a different calendar here to here on earth and haven’t been able to work out the earth equivalent yet. Sorry.

  30. Semisweet says:

    Ok…your loss…no birthday bootie, I mean cake, for you

  31. Nossie says:

    Semi – 25 January…yours? Re the food thing…I was recently diagnosed with 12 or more stomach ulcers…sooo…have to eat bland,dead-boring food. But the weight IS coming off…i miss my 300g rump steak with mushroom and cheese sauce…:(((

  32. Nossie says:

    Dolce…keep at it,’s addictive.

  33. Semisweet says:

    Another Aquarian….Aquarians RULE!!! Im 1 Feb.

    Ouch, that sounds painful but Im glad you taking care of it now.

    I love good food but I guess I need to stop eating as well. Yummy, steak and mushroom sauce sounds good right now. I had a boring pizza for lunch.

  34. Nossie says:

    Lunch???? I knew I forget something…so that’s what’s been trying get my attention…*note to self…bodily functions must be taken care of as soon as the need arises*. Yes, Aquarians rule…I knew from the minute I read your first post that we had something in common. Must go eat…later sweetie.

  35. Dolce says:

    Now I’ve gone all Hair..

    This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarias, Age of Aquariaaaaaaaaaaaaas.

  36. pious says:

    My official finding is that the human body was not designed to run. I run with my brother in the morning and I run with my boyfriend in the evening. And I am incapacitated the rest of the day. haha. I think it’s getting better though. I don’t puke so much anymore. haha. Just on the up run. I’m kidding, but damn hell… it better be worth all the sweat! If I find out that you don’t loose weight from running – I’m going to seriously injure someone. Maybe even kill them.

  37. Dolce says:

    Pi I climbed a bit of mountain the other day and nearly puked. Who’d want to do that. Sies. And twice a day, china. Fek, I’m impressed.

  38. Semisweet says:

    Nossie – you should always eat. That way you dont forget breakfast/lunch or dinner 🙂
    Yeah, there was a connection.

    Pious – read previous comments, you dont sweat…you GLISTEN or glow.
    Im also very impressed with your dedication. I find excuses not to go once a day.

  39. Nossie says:

    dolce – Aqaurians are spontanious, unpedictable people who, more often then not, don’t think tooo much before they act…am I right semi? With age (or experience, as i prefer to call it) one learns to think (for a very brief) moment before we head gung-ho into something…more’s the pity, I think.

    Pious – keep it up. Results may be slow to beging with but after a month or three, you’ll see results. Just don’t, whatever you do, jump on the scale every may pick up weight but it’s prob muscle. its true, really. If you are interrested I can tell you my story…

  40. Spoegs says:

    Ja and if you eat you must also dump otherwise you’ll start feeling like a hadbag with leaves and twigs and sh*t in it. Saw it on TV must be true.

  41. Semisweet says:

    Yep Nossie. You right. We need to engage the brain before you accelerate the mouth/actions sometimes. We are also fun-loving, humanitarian people who often play the martyrs. So see, often Im not a drama queen, just a ‘martyr’ 🙂

  42. Nossie says:

    a girl after my own heart…we understand each other. nuff sed.

  43. Dolce says:

    I’m a typical CT star sign. Soms a Gem soms a Naai.

    What is your story Nos?

  44. Semisweet says:

    Yes we do.

    Nah, I think you just a Gem Dolce.

  45. Nossie says:

    Really dont like to tell it, its like a smoker who has managed to kick the habit – no-one likes to hear about their triumph…but seeing as you asked..4 years ago, I weighed in at a hefty 86kg. Bearing in mind I’m 1.6m tall. Yep, a real porker. maybe it was a mid-life crisis, hell, I don’t know, but the time came…started doing all the things they say you should. Wasn’t an easy road but I stuck to it and after 2 years and 30kg’s, I feel like not only the weight has stayed off but I feel 20 years younger. Ok, I’ll stop now. Oprah has just called me for a copy of my journal…

  46. Semisweet says:

    Touching story Nossie *semi reaches for the tissues*

    No seriously, that is a really good story. Willpower is so hard sometimes 😦

  47. Nossie says:

    I fall off the wagon regularly…will power is hard ALL of the time. It’s my constant companion along with my conscience…

  48. Running’s the devil’s work Dolce. Don’t you know it. That whole ‘pain is gain’ theory is way too biblical. There’s got to be a better way. Like Kundalini Tantra or yogaerobics. I tell you carpet burn has to be a way easier to deal with than crack chafe.

  49. Dolce says:

    WELL DONE Nossie. That’s unbelievable. 30kgs, girl, that’s a small child! I’m seriously impressed and very, very proud of you.

    I’m still on that journey, but I’ll get there. And you’re right. It’s a constant battle. And I need all the inspiration I can get – so thanks! 🙂

  50. Flutter says:

    Flip Nossie, thats amazing. How did you shake of the last few kgs lady??

    I need to lose at least 8kgs. I manage fine in the summer months. The diet goes well and then winter rears its ugly pudgy head. Every winter – same bloody storey!

  51. 302 says:

    The dark side of jogging on the promenade, who would have thought.

  52. Flutter says:

    Dolce, read the article in Shape – awesome lady!
    I am inspired by you. You are one brave lass!
    Well done!

  53. Semisweet says:

    What article, which Shape? I wanna read it too. Seems to be an interesting one.

  54. Dusty Muffin says:

    Semi, I’ve gone online, and there are two stories. I think ne of them may be ‘our dolce’…

  55. Dolce says:

    302. Indeed. Dark. And painful.

    Flutter. What Shape article. Don’t know what you’re talking about. *whistles and looks out the window*

    Semi & Dusty. Nah. Couldn’t be. I don’t really exist in the real world. Just a figment of your collective imaginations. Really.

  56. ekke says:


    Any fantasy I ever had about fit sweaty strangers has now been irreparably tainted by the feeling that when I whip off said dark, sexy, sweaty strangers kit, the first thing I’ll come into contact with is a slight bum rash and a faint smell of sweaty veggie produce.

    I’m so depressed right now.


  57. dolce says:

    Frankly…I know. But I’m all out of carpet wrestlers.


  58. dolce says:

    Ekke….oh crap, sorry. How about changing your fantasy to include nappy cream administration and the game “animal, vegetable or mineral”? (I think I’m depressed too now)

  59. ekke says:

    What if you put a strip of highly absorbent crpeting along the rim?

    Could work?

  60. Katt says:

    LOL I am thinking that you are perhaps to open and honest, Dolce. Somethings you shouldn’t tell your friends… not yours in any case. 😀

  61. dolce says:

    Ekke….oh, the mental picture.

    Kattya…*snort* I know, diabolical isn’t it. Bastards. *she says fondly*

  62. Semisweet says:

    Come on Dolce, dont be so modest. You are a brilliant writer and girl you and all your insecurities/tears and laughter exists in our world 🙂

  63. Spoegs says:

    What’s a diabolical? I thought it was a car made by lamborghini.

  64. Dolce says:

    Bless you, Spoegs.

  65. Spoegs says:

    As they say in the classics with Blogbuddies like these who needs enemas?

  66. morticia says:

    dolce – bepanthen ointment – avialable at clicks – could be by the baby ointment – got it for my last tattoo – and now use it – for different – equally unglamorous reasons – quite good for chafe.

  67. Nossie says:

    A tattoo, Morticia – where are what??

  68. Nossie says:

    Dusty – where do I find the article?

  69. Dusty Muffin says:

    nossie – you’ve got mail!

  70. Dolce says:

    Oi, me gorgeous gals. Not 100% sure I want my article bandied about in this scarey, e-ether place. Please be a little discreet, ok?


  71. Spoegs says:

    I meant enemies

  72. Flutter says:

    Oops sorry D – Mica spilled the beans on his blog so thought it ok to mention.

    So how is that training for the Dusi marathon coming along? 😉

  73. Dolce says:

    No. *Having teeny sense of humour failure*

    Ok, that’s over.

    hey, I’d prefer to manage who crosses my real/amagama line, but when you’re gorgeous and famous and training for the Dusi, it ain’t always possible.


  74. Nossie says:

    Dolce..don’t let a teeny sense of homour fialure go unacknowledged…let it out, girl. Have your say – you’ll feel MUCH better.

  75. dolce says:

    Ag, Nos, I’m more of a subtle rager. You know, sleep with one eye open, muthafukas kind of quite type. Y’know?

  76. ekke says:

    homour fialure sounds like a really expensive pudding.

  77. dolce says:

    I’d like mine with cream, please.

  78. Nossie says:

    Dolce darling…if you don’t let it out, you’ll end up with a stomach full of ulcers…not nice. You know what they say about kak feelings and emotions – if you don’t let them out, they travel up your spine, into your brain and that’s where kak ieads come from…go punch something/someone.

  79. Dusty Muffin says:

    Nossie – you’ve got real finger trouble today. Are ieads also fancy puddings?

  80. Nossie says:

    Sticky toffee pudding!!!! All time fav with the family. and no, I have NOT had my Jack today…maybe thats why I’m making so nemy nistokes…

  81. Nossie says:

    *runs downstairs to greet old friend…*

  82. Dusty Muffin says:

    Uh oh. Here we go again…

    You just can’t speak to this girl after sundown. Tut.

  83. morty says:

    too lazy to log on – nossie – got a re e e aally crappy job on my right shoulder blade – spider and web – stoned chopper who did a midnighter and wasnt there to fix it – that’s my next mission down to shortmarket.

    had one done in april – palm sized wolf head on other shoulder – this – is – art!
    bob is the bomb – has a sick amount of talent…. and he’s kinda mmmm in a mick hucknall sorta fashion.

    portrait of my nana coming up, when finances allow… between the blades – and then – who knows?

    gonna be that fat; tattooed chick at the carny – juggling and belching. worse things to be, yeah? – like patricia lewis for instance.

  84. Dusty Muffin says:

    Mort – do you ever watch Navy NCIS? You have just confirmed yourself as Abby – superbright gothic lab-rat with spider and web tattoed on neck. Love that chick!

  85. Nossie says:

    morty – in my advanced years, a tatoo is just what I need!! But it must be subtle and sexy…suggestions?

  86. ekke says:

    Two hands reaching out from between your bumcheeks? Sexy and subtle!

  87. Nossie says:


  88. Dolce says:

    *stifled giggle*

    hey Mort…you been to the goth clubs in Obs…lovely little den’s of iniquity!

  89. morticia says:

    Dolce: nah, not yet… i’m getting to that odd age when goth just wont do anymore. puzzling thing that – that i’ve never been a goth – not into the music or the art etc. – just seem to get classified as one for lack of another, more suitable tag.
    i nver have been able to find a category myself… i mean; yeah! i wear ankle length scarlet dresses and tons of silver – i have black hair (erm, anybody heard of clairol), and i will happily wear boots in midsummer – but i also do the miss corporate when necessary, pull off the domestic princess crap, wear kaftans and kikoi’s (sic?) in public. i write poetry, but never studied anything – i’m not material by nature, but like a clean house. i listen to anything – plant, joplin, acdc, 80’s, nickelback… and i want to learn to play the consertina!
    for dramatic effect: miss size 14, dd cup, black haired, tongue studded wench surrounded by adoring farmers… ah! fame and glory beckon!

    fek! i dont know what i am… i almost knew once, but that was long ago… i’m sort of a paganish; biker; rocker, joplinesque; goth;gypsy, earth mother…i think?!!! gypsy probably closest.

    dusty: abby is diablo’s main perve! and she – is disgustingly young… i love her to bits too, but i’m more of a sharon osbourne!… at least i can cuss like her – and i adore ozzy!

    nossie… advanced years and subtlety… pffft. if anybody wants to look at my nekkid body when i’m 70 – they’re gonna be brave enough to handle a couple of inks. know your an east cape girl… still there? can recommend an artist in east london… you’ll happily pay the boy to hurt you! yummm.

    dolce… hogged yr space again… delete after reading! sorry.

  90. dolce says:

    Mort Go for it. Hog away. And dammit, if I don’t agree with the “used to know once, but now not so sure” tag. Me too, babe, me too. I used to do goth, grunge, metal, hippy, corporate, fluffy etc etc. Now I’m just what ever I feel like today. I think the trick is to be in any one of those groups and to be able to talk openly and honestly with anyone of those people, regardless of what you look like or feel like. I can’t tell you how many unbelievably cool people I’ve met because I force myself not try not to judge how they’ve chosen to represent themselves on the outside. Hard though *wink*

  91. […] pleurisy when you walk around the block. You don’t have sweat aversion. Or, for that matter, a perfect funnel effect. You don’t fear laughter and derision as you’re airlifted out of a beautiful nature reserve […]

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