Today I’m so utterly sad I can barely breathe. I’m so far beneath the velvet, wrapping weight of a grief I can’t articulate that the light is just something I think I once imagined. Seventh wave swells that catch me unawares. Just when I’ve caught my breath. Just when I’ve found my feet. I’m under again. Knocked down. Knocked out. I know it’ll pass, I know. Like a metronome against my breast bone. I know, I know. (I hope, I hope). And still the luminous dark rises against me. Gulping, fighting, the first faint fingers of panic creeping. I’ve forgotten how to float, how to be, how to live within the calm circle of breath in, breath out. How to let the tide of all this pain hold me up instead of pulling me under. It’s indulgent. Selfish. Boring. (And though it all, I hear you say “I told you so”. And I’m pissed off because you’re wrong. But right. But so wrong again.) And still the water rises. Every day another flood. (Every night receding.) And I don’t know what to do. Run. Weep. Hold out my arms and shout “fuck you” to the world and this tiny fragment I exist in. I have no where to go. I have only this (…there’s only this, no day but today…) I have only this for now. I can have anything I want. Except knowing what it is that I want. And feeling the weight of all that possibility, wasted.

10 thoughts on “Velvet

  1. Vapour says:

    Dolce, when I’m really down I watch a Jane Fonda tape on getting fit. It doesn’t work but it sure as hell makes me think that things could get worse hahaha

  2. Flutter says:

    Great post Dolce!

    If it helps you write this well, then maybe it’s worth working through.

    Hang in there lady! *HUG!*

  3. Semisweet says:

    Good post Dolce. I can relate. When I am feeling a bit under the wave, I cry….it really helps.
    The family is here for you. (((((big hug)))))

  4. kyknoord says:

    Emotional arm-bands, anyone?

  5. ekke says:

    My anti-spam word was chill…

    But I know that’s the last thing you want to be told. So I’ll send hug vibes your way instead.

  6. Semisweet says:

    *tears streaming down face and nose all snotty*, yes thanx kyknoord. I’ll have one.

  7. 302 says:

    it’ll pass – bon courage until then – have a cuppa tea and read your stars. then get some fresh air away from egg white walls.

    and complain for 5 minutes or more but only today.

  8. pious says:

    Hey, chikita… hope things start looking up for you… !
    The lighter side of life – remember?

  9. vapour says:

    Shew so Dolce you weren’t thinking of Ge and “Neyk Verlang na jou…” swear it wasn’t playing in the background when you wrote this, swear that your foot wasn’t gently tapping..

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