o** koek*

whatle.jpg Right. So muggins here, in a moment of total, screaming dementia, has agreed to do the Whale Trail. Next week. In five days time. The Whale Trail. A 5, yes F.I.V.E. day hike through the De Hoop Nature reserve. Sleeping in huts. Bringing all your own food. Wearing strange hats and fighting over the bug spray. And stuff.

Ja, ja, I hear you folks say. “Sjoe, Dolcarina, The Whale Trail? Don’t you usually have to book a year in advance? Someone dropped out of a group? Oh man. Lucky, lucky lark lark lark. Spectacular views. Cavorting marine life. More glorious views than you can shake a shaky stick at. I’m so jealous.”

Easy for you to say, folks. You don’t collapse from exercise-induced pleurisy when you walk around the block. You don’t have sweat aversion. Or, for that matter, a perfect funnel effect. You don’t fear laughter and derision as you’re airlifted out of a beautiful nature reserve because your legs have fallen off. Oh no, folks of the raised eyebrows. It’s true, it is. I is unfit. In the most monstrous way. Grannies over take me on the promenade. I’m so stationary in motion that dogs think I’m a fire hydrant (must get rid of that red tracksuit).

Sure, sure, jokes aside. I’ve managed a bit of gym related stupidity in the last couple of months. But what, on god’s green bottle of moonshine, do I think I’m doing, imagining I can manage a five day hike. Sheeesh. You know. Maybe if I’d started on a 5 hour hike, I’d be, like, able to work up to something impressive. But noooooooo, I’m G.I. Jane. I’m a frikkin’ hero. I think I can do a 54 km, “moderate to strenuous” week long marathon of walking.


So, excuse me while I nervously chew my fingers off and step hesitantly into Cape Union Mart to enquire if they’ve got those timberlands in a nice heel.

*Having a “taal” headline week. Don’t know why. It’s just working.
** Apparently the original “oh” can like not to be appearing in “die taal”. Ta Eagle-Eye

43 thoughts on “o** koek*

  1. dex says:



    (i always thought the whale trail was when I walk past the television, and observe the wife on the couch watching CSI. I guess you’re never too old to learn…)

  2. dolce says:

    Dexter. You’re skating on thiiin ice, my china bean. Besides, I thought the whale trail was what your wife left behind when she went to the bathroom.

  3. dex says:

    No no Dolla, you have it all wrong – the stuff floating in bowl is actually my Will to Live.

  4. dolce says:

    Dex, don’t try this whole “oh woe, my life is kak” story. SORRY FOR YOU. You’ve just been in London. All insinuations of kakness are off!

  5. dex says:


    your headline should be “O koek”. The word “oh” can like to not exist in Afrikaans.

    Simpel ding.

  6. ramon says:

    Flutter and I are doing the Bangkok Trial on Saturday – still loads of time to get yourself (and your shoesies) over here.
    We are going to walk around fantastic markets and eat the best seafood and Thai dishes. Oh! And the drinks!

  7. dolce says:

    Ag, ‘skus, Mnr TaalMeester. I shall amend it forthwith.


    And just who you calling simpel of ‘n ding? I can like to be kak good at Afrikaans. When I is drunk.

    Which reminds me. Did you drink some nice ales in ole London Town?

  8. dolce says:

    Ramona, that’s just.not.fair.

    *insert illegal unhappy emoticon here*

  9. dex says:

    **you’re welcome.

    And I bet you’re good at lost of stuff when you is drunk.

    I didn’t really experiment with the ales, D. I found Carling on my first morning there, and there was no looking back…

  10. dolce says:

    I do get a little lost, sometimes, Dex. When I’m drunk. And I lose stuff too. Not to be confused with being loose.

    Nuffink quite like sayin’ “a pint a Carlin’ please barkeep”

    And one small thing…”my first morning there”? I know the poms can be hard work, but jeeez….

  11. ramon says:

    Dolce, Bayok Towers and Pratoo nam.
    Shoes, shoes, shoes.

  12. dex says:

    To be precise, Dolla, 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Gotta love those off-licensesesseses.

  13. dolce says:

    Ramon. You are bad and cruel. Oh, hang on, you are bad and cruel. *sigh*

    Dex yes, oh yes! Them. A fish ‘n chips and a 6 pack of Heineken made many a dismal Sunday all that much more worthwhile.

    Actually, I was thinking about that the other day. Why the fek do we still have these dumb antiquated laws? Fek, man, the only way you can actually get a legal drink on a Sunday, it would seem, is to go to church for frikkin’ communion. Go figure.

  14. dolce says:

    boyos, I’m off to talk incomprehensible stuff with my tax person.

    Tomorrow, tomorrow, I’ll love ya tomorrow.

    And pfffft.

    R and Flutter.

    I’m not talking to you.

    A lot.

  15. dex says:

    Not up here, D! Only your little backwater mountain town it seems… I can buy beer from 9 am on any given Sunday. (always wanted to say that)

  16. 302 says:

    The thing that would worry me the most is do I have all the accessories for a Whale trek not getting thru’ it all but rather the vanity of having all the right gear.

    Good luck and have fun.

  17. Oh God. Don’t you love those lucid moments of dementia. Jimmy the clown here, failing a bet for a 10km torture trail has just agreed to doing the Midmar Mile, and yes another 10km torture trail. The stakes are high. I’ve waged a huge bet on this with my friend Glen who has 0% body fat and can do the Cape Argus with both hands tied behind his back. What the fuck was I thinking? Well initially I agreed to do a mini iron man in Feb, but ja he’s let me off the hook so now it’s 10km in February, and the Midmar mile in March. Just come back from training. Jippee… I’ve reached 1km. Five months to get to 10km. Fucken lunacy I tell you….

  18. By the way chachi, what’s a koek? Is that like the Afrikaans word for Snoek or unhook?

  19. “I thought the whale trail was what your wife left behind when she went to the bathroom.”

    Ahahahahahaha…. Chachi. I never knew you could be the beyatch. Meeeeow babe. That was brutal.

  20. K Chasu says:

    dolce, darling, sounds like you need to go to rehab or something. were you pissed when you decided to do this?

  21. Dusty Muffin says:

    Dolce, I’m afraid you also have to carry your own water, because sometimes the next hut doesn’t have supplies.

    And the distances they state on the map are wrong. Few things in life are more dreary than walking an extra three kilometres in the blistering heat because the stupid map says 11km, and not 14km.

    And the morning spent trudging throught the Port Jackson desert is most unremarkable.

    Apart from these mutters, the hike is magnificent, the huts are great, and the views are splendiferous.

    Suggest taking camembert, olives and your favourite tipple for watching a sunset. Helps you forget the pain.

  22. dolce says:

    Dex Really? You’re kidding? Man, what the fek. *sulk*

    302 So what do you recommend in the way of essential gear?

    Frik Haha. Classic. The Midmar Mile. I’ll be watching, Frikkie, I’ll be watching! What the fuck do we think we’re doing? Jeez. Oh, and koek is the Afrikaans word for a spook, which is what I’m going to be after next week.

    Beeeyach indeed. But only for Dexalator!

    KC I think so. Or I was drunk on flower pollen. Or something equally unscientific and terrifying. Maybe I should just be put down!

    Dusty Thhhaaaaaaaaaaaaanks, china. Now I feel SO much better. NOT. Couldn’t you have lied? Just a bit? Evil woman! And after packing loo paper, food, bug spray and a sleeping bag, I ain’t so sure I’ll have room for camembert….sheesh. (ignore me, my eyes are starting to roll in panic)

  23. Dusty Muffin says:

    Oh. I was being kind.

    What, no spare knickers?

  24. Vapour says:

    Dolce with unemployment being so high at the moment I think it would be gracious of you to employ the services of locals to carry you. Sort of “Bwana and the bearers”.

  25. dolce says:

    Dusty STOOOOOOP. You’re being kind?? *moans* oh Jeeeeeaaaazus.

    Vapour I am, I am, never fear. That wallet got whipped out faster than a penis at an all you can fuck Mavericks special.

  26. Vapour says:

    Go Dolce, this has potential, you being beared by “Mavericks” and all. Take pictures, will pay.

  27. K Chasu says:

    mm – ya – film it. be like Blair Witch Project but scarier. Sandton Koegals will buy it in a blink to terrify themselves.


  28. Semisweet says:

    Dolce, I think you need to have your head examined…heat stroke from rolling around in the flower gardens all afternoon, I tell ya.
    If you live to tell the tale, I would be dying to hear how it went.
    Me, I’ll be stuck in the airconditioned office and I’ll just watch whales pass my desk all day…or is that cows…

  29. dolce says:

    Vaps Keep dreaming, my cramp-fingered friend

    KC I was thinking that – but then I’d have to carry the flipping camera too. *sigh*

    Semi If I survive, you’ll find me lying down somewhere, drinking a case of Amstel, with a muscled young thing rubbing Voltaren into my acheing muscles.

  30. vapour says:

    “my cramp-fingered friend”, Lol geezus Dolce that’s it, you definitely need to be in politics.

  31. Semisweet says:

    You better have lots of aching muscles…invent muscles if you have to

  32. Well I’m glad that we’ve got the whole koek thing sorted Chachi. I’m a cunning linguist and really want to wrap my tongue around all 11 official languages, even those spoken by the former oppressors of this country. So ja… perhaps you can explain to me what a doos is, people have been using that word a lot in my company.

    Lastly Midmar time look out for the keen swimmer with a propellor wedged firmly between her legs.

  33. dolce says:

    Vaps If only, but I failed the entrance exam. I refused to embezzle. Next time!

    Semi The more muscles he has, the more I will have too!

    Frik ‘n doos is the kak oke what comes in your box. *aaarrrgghahahahaha* the mental picture of the propellor girl. Like Splash on Speed.

  34. Semisweet says:

    Good cos you can never have too many ‘aching’ muscles

  35. 302 says:

    Even if it’s useless, I like to start my packing with a credit card then good shoes, socks, a cool cap, sun block, sun glasses, insect repellant, a torch, a small can of doom, toilet paper and a light backpack, a light rain jacket, a warm jacket, the same set of pills that you’d take when you travel abroad, together with an energy bar or few.

    and then if you want to show off, electronic gadgets, cameras, gps, fire lighters, swiss army knives blah de blah fishpaste.

    perhaps ask urhm for a list and then tick it off against it but any of these things can be cool and hence accessories. but i forewarn you this all comes from a person who likes the country but predominantly in the phrase country club.

  36. dolce says:

    Semi A whooooole body’s worth

    302 Me too, which is why I’m now a bit in the poo. The country for me is lying in the hammock at Dad’s farm. *sigh* However, I thank you from the bottom of my blister free feet for the “check list”…it will be utilized. Any other top tips welcome!

    *Dolce looks frantically for a place to hide*

  37. Vapour says:

    Ian Robberts says he has a book on the nutritional value of insects. Apparently crispy fried dung beetles are the best. Followed by locusts. That means you could pack light and still ensure your food intake just by eating “off the land”. Alternatively herd a cow along and eat it slowly.

  38. dolce says:

    Like the cow idea (and, really, Vapour Bloglurker, Ian Robberts is a bit of a toss). But I suppose the trick will be not to eat the legs first.

  39. ekke says:

    I suppose offering peanut butter chocolate cheesecake at this time is not recommended?

  40. dolce says:

    Crayola Dude. You.are.not.nice.

  41. Vapour says:

    Ian Robberts is a bit of toss? Shit Dolce that’s harsh, are you sure?

  42. ekke says:

    I thought I was the friendly type, actually. 😦

  43. dolce says:

    Vaps The guy from the Castrol ads? Ja, he’s a toss. (there’s a story)

    Crayola Dude Ja, ja, friendly, but with a sharp stick!

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