Light

There’s Only Us, There’s Only This. Forget Regret Or Life Is Yours To Miss

I’m thinking about today. About why is it so hard to live deep in this moment? Is life so banal that we wish it away? I’m thinking about why we ricochet from day to day, waiting for later, tomorrow, the weekend, next week, next holiday, next time, next place, next life. I know, I know. Life is short, time is quick, live now. But almost every single person I know is living for the next something. The next paycheck. The next Friday piss up. The next shag. The next time they get high. And all I can think of is show tunes. There’s only this. Forget regret.. Show tunes sung by an aids infected exotic dancer addicted to crack, but that’s beside the point.

Mid life crisis anyone?

But I’m serious. Some days I have to make myself stop. At the colour of spring green against a blue sky. At the sight of an elderly man holding the hand of his wife. At the sound of the birds as the dawn breaks. At the smell of warm bread and sun dried sheets. Because otherwise, I’m so trapped in the crap of the everyday. The drivel of living. That I can’t remember that the small beauties are what make it worthwhile. Are what really get us through.

So why do we compromise ourselves? Make ourselves so small. We make ourselves insignificant by denying ourselves the right to live our dreams. Most of us don’t even know what they are. I don’t. And even those lucky few who do would rather be safe. Safe? It makes me rage. When I hear someone say I’d give anything to be a sports commentator or a ballet dancer or a journalist, I think, damn you. You know, you know! Do you know how much power that gives you?

We’re so afraid of our light we can barely stand to acknowledge it. That somehow, if we really tried, we could be magnificent. If we ripped off the pathetic plasters of booze and TV and self help books we could explode out of our lives like some incandescent phoenix.

But there’s too much risk, too much failure in that. Too much real.

So, we go home to microwaved meals and Survivor and wishing for the weekend.

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7 thoughts on “Light

  1. RobC says:

    I got this advice from a friend that lost the fight against the big C and I wrote it in poem form, I think about it each day.
    The Gift – Robert Le Noury
    You showed that life is today,
    not tomorrow,
    not yesterday.
    Wear your heart for the world to see,
    for tomorrow it may have faded.
    Tell me you love me now,
    dont hesitate,
    for tomorrow is but a mirage,
    yesterday was a golden memory.
    The point is that one must make an effort to LIVE each day, make time for adventure, and be thankful that today is today.
    Hope that helps. 🙂

  2. Today I am waiting for next Tuesday. Because then my UNISA assignments will be done and I can go back to not thinking ahead. I reckon I am quite good at living in the now… keeps me irresponsible!

  3. dolceii says:

    @ RobC > thanks! Wow. Yeah. I know. And most of the time, I’m really good at today. But sometimes, it just feels like I’m drowning in the mediocre bits, y’know!

    @ Champers > haha. I think you also see enough shite in what you do to not waste anytime with your own life. Gives you perspective.

  4. (Your comment page keeps crashing on me when I hit “Submit”. ARRRRGH!)

    But one of the big lessons I have had to learn/ am still trying to learn is that, even if my life doesn’t undergo daily hardships and endurances, it is still highly important and unique and to be valued.

    As you say, it is noting the small gorgeous parts of one’s ordinary, ‘relatively bland’ life, not just the big grand bits.

    On that note, i am going to take SO MUCH pleasure in catching up my time sheets & writing pages of an essay. Hmmphfff.

  5. dolceii says:

    haha Champers. I’ve just reconned a cell phone bill – fekkity, I talk a lot! Even for business.

    And here’s a gorgeous moment. Watching my good mate walk down an aisle of trees in a forest, wearing the most gorgeous wedding gown, with flowers in her hair, with eyes only for the man she loves, while their little girl, wearing pure white feathered wings, gurgles in her grandmother’s arms. A moment. A perfect moment.

  6. bluepete says:

    Ah nice one, dolce – that wedding sounded amazing. Lately I’ve been thinking about a quote I read somewhere: “death is the mother of beauty”. How we have to give things up to appreciate the good stuff I suppose, or how losses lead to improvements, appreciating what we have. Didn’t help me much today though when I found ‘my’ baby tortoise drowned in the filter basket. Poor little thing must have been thirsty and went looking for a drink. Felt really guilty and sad and it’s still bugging me. But the good news of the day is that I’m going to Wingfield next year so get to stay in CT. Still can’t quite believe it so not getting too excited yet.

  7. dolceii says:

    Hey BP…the wedding was lovely. I danced all night and had to make myself go to bed at 2am. It was fab. Although, I did get a bit of a grilling from Mr Shaw about you. Oh dear.

    And very exciting about Wingfield. Would you stay in the same house?

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