A mistake already made.

Slithering. Winding like vein drunk poison. Your mark on me. Your breath. In the dark, with only sense to guide. Not sure if this feels good or like death. A mistake already made. In a history of mistakes. A white line highway in the headlights. The feeling of eyes and a rain of misery. Yet still, I walk on. Stumbling in the deep shadow. Relentless. Walking on into a certainty of something. The knowledge of a fall. Of a wide open rending. And still, I walk. Following the blind man. Following the hungry. The wild. The forgotten. Following the mad. Following my deepest self that knows; knows that nothing is sacred. That everything is deserved, one way or another. That pain is a price paid for living. That love is a salve I will never earn. And still I walk. Your breath on me in the dark. My heart empty and keening. My hands shackled. My head bowed. My arms aching. And still my feet keep on. Bare and bleeding. While the slithering inside grows certain and even more of me disappears.

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10 thoughts on “A mistake already made.

  1. kyknoord says:

    “…everything is deserved, one way or another. That pain is a price paid for living. That love is a salve I will never earn…. The last bit isn’t true. Love isn’t something you earn – people don’t love out of a sense of obligation. If it boils down to a point-scoring system, then it isn’t love at all.

  2. dolceii says:

    Kyk. Lawd. You just made me tear up a bit (ignore me, I’m lunar). Sometimes, very very rarely, and only when the world seems a little tired and grey, I think I don’t deserve to be loved. That is bullshit, I know. But sometimes it’s a sliver of ice I can’t dislodge.

    So thank you. For the kick up the arse. Of course love can’t be earned. It’s given, whether we think we deserve it or not.

  3. Martin says:

    Importantly, love is (and should be, IMHO) given conditionally – *not* unconditionally as some people seem to think while romantisising.

  4. Mrs. Benitez says:

    Mrs. Benitez loves you, dear. Just don’t tell anybody I said so.

  5. dolceii says:

    I don’t understand, M (or rather, I’m playing devil’s advocate). What conditions do you place on love.

  6. kyknoord says:

    Partly cloudy, with a slight south-westerly breeze, perhaps?

  7. dolceii says:

    More like storm warnings and a bit ‘o batten down the hatches

  8. dolceii says:

    Mrs. B. I’m speechless. Which, given your caveat, is useful.

  9. Martin says:

    Dolce, I used to think reciprocation was unnecessary. Then I found out what loving without this little detail can do to a person.

    Now, I’ve realised that it’s appreciation that’s non-negotiable.

  10. dolceii says:

    I can appreciate that…but sometimes, you can’t help what you feel, appreciated or not. I still believe that to love, despite all the reasons not to, is the challenge.

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