Here comes the bride

I’ve been to a few weddings. After a while, I’m sorry to say, they all kinda merge into one white, floral encrusted blur. The odd speech stands out. Like the MC at my mate’s wedding who kept making circling motions with his hands and asking us to “feel the love”. The odd first dance. My sister rocking onto the floor to Freestyler. The odd car park brawl. My cousin backing the wedding merc into his uncle’s beemer. All good stuff.

But I’ve never been to one of those weddings. You know, the ones that become the stuff of legend. While reading Daisyfae’s hilarious account of a family wedding, I was reminded of an email I got from my bestest UK mate, J*, about a crazy family wedding of hers. In the interests of hooker bridesmaid’s everywhere, I share this with you:

Outline: I was going to go to the UK last week to attend my cousin’s wedding. But in the end I didn’t because I couldn’t get anyone to look after Oscie [J’s gorgeous pooch].
Anyway, I spoke to mum today to ask how it all went. God how bad is this?

The wedding ended up in massive punch ups:
Nottingman side vs. Welsh side (his vs. hers)
Bride vs. Groom
Bride vs. Mother in Law
Groom vs. his father
Groom vs. Bride again
Parents-in-Law vs. Parents in Law
Welsh side vs. Welsh side

They got given a bag of cocaine as a wedding present.

One of the bridesmaids is a hooker in Amsterdam.

The brides bouquet was pulled apart and flung off the terrace in pieces into the bar below (by the bride who ripped it up with her teeth after telling her new MiL to go F herself).

The groom was found at 7am naked and asleep in the hotel bar. He wee’d over the bar.
EVERY guest to do with the wedding was asked to LEAVE the hotel.

They are talking divorce.

Gutted I didn’t go now!

Now why the hell don’t I get invited to weddings like this?

*A classic Essex girl.  Who tought me the lyrics to Lydia the Tatooed Lady and everything I need to know about using drawing pins strategically.

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10 thoughts on “Here comes the bride

  1. kyknoord says:

    Jeez. I go away for a couple of days and while I’m gone, all hell breaks loose. I’m trying not to be paranoid, but it isn’t working.

  2. dolceii says:

    @ Kyk > a little sex, drugs and hooker bridesmaids is nothing…hell breaking loose is watching my mother take her shoes off to bop with the father of the bride and ending up with the entire wedding party on a trestle table. Which, naturally, did what trestle tables to, and collapsed spectacularly. Or maybe not. I forget.

  3. Globus says:

    ok, so it was the tags about bridesmaids, hookers, amsterdam and coke which drew globus’ attention.

    globus is lucky – he only tends to go to weddings of legend proportion. hence globus loves a good wedding 🙂

  4. dolceii says:

    @ Globus > tags are your friend!

  5. jenty says:

    I don’t get invited to weddings like that either. LMAO! Sounds like a free for all!

  6. dolceii says:

    @ Jenty > Knowing my luck, if I ever bow to the socialised pressure of wedded bliss, my white tulle-covered affair will be one for the record books. My whole family. A small enclosed space. Alcohol. CHAOS!

  7. daisyfae says:

    holy crap. i haven’t even started to tell stories about the rest of the family weddings – although the one you described trash-trumps any of mine. by a longshot. my oldest sister had her wedding reception in a biker bar. we had the family dance to (i could not make this up) “Freebird”.

    and yes, i was right there in the middle of it. wearing overalls. getting hit on by toothless, tattooed gentlemen encrusted in leather. (note to self – i need to write that one up too…)

  8. Katt says:

    “…they all kinda merge into one white, floral encrusted blur” – Too true! It’s even worse when you are one of the bridesmaids. I still can’t believe a bride thinks powder blue water-mark tafetta is ‘pretty.’

    Was this ‘free for all’ punch up wedding video-ed?

  9. dolceii says:

    @ Daisy > Overalls at a wedding? Man, you make me jeeeeeaaaalous! (and don’t lure me with thoughts of tattooed, leather-clad bikers. I have a penchant. Except, I do prefer them with their own teeth. *eep*

    @ Katt > Oh, oh. The binne-poes pienk skin-tight number I had to wear in the middle of a durban summer was an absolute winner. WTF people??? And don’t get me started on all the crap *readings*. Reading a Winny the Pooh poem with the words “every where is pooh” is *GOING* to get your congregation snorting behind their hymnals, whether you want them to or not. And the priest who kept warbling on about “fondling the hair at the base of his head” nearly got me kicked out of the church. Fortunately, I had a glitter encrusted bouquet to hide behind. What possesses people? What?

  10. […] Essex in England (google Essex Girls, nudge nudge wink wink), is about as mental as me.  But with stranger family members.  We worked together years ago, and liked to play practical jokes on one another.  You know, the […]

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