I was thinking about boys in bedrooms, as you do. And it occurred to me that some of our lovely SA lads might need some pointers on “staying over” etiquette. Just five friendly pointers, mind you. Not hard and fast rules. And, I’m assuming that “don’t steal all of the duvet” goes without saying.
1. Ok, so I’m only going to say this once. Under no circumstances is it ok to stay over at someone’s house and steal their side of the bed. Not sure which is their side of the bed? Have a look. There is usually more than the usual girly paraphernalia on one side of the bed. Books. The latest edition of Vanity Fair. Lip balm. Large intimidating vibrators*. Stuff like that. Sleep on the other side. Even if you have some fekkin’ good excuse for only sleeping on a specific side of the bed**, don’t. It’s rude.
2. I’m not hugely fussy on the whole “socks to bed” story. But please don’t try and shag a girl with your socks still on. She might say it’s ok. But it’s not really. It’s kinda tacky. It says “my comfort is more important than turning you on”. It’s something Ricky Gervais’s character from “The Office” would do. And no body, even laaaahoooosers, want to actually be Ricky Gervais’s character from “The Office”. “Socks and sex”. It’s just naff. Take them off, and then, afterwards, you can put them back on again. Tell her it’s so that you can warm her lovely, beautiful toesies…you might even get a blow job in the morning.
3. Do not ask where she keeps her sex toys on the first night. And then ogle them and make faintly embarrassed, disparaging noises. If you can’t handle them, don’t go there. Yes, her vibrator might make your trouser snake look like an earthworm, but remember, she’s delighted she’s snagged such a lovely (real, live, sexy) gent to warm her bed, so don’t think she’s comparing. Generally, we don’t compare plastic to flesh. Otherwise we’d be forced to compare ourselves with Pamela Anderson.
4. Dutch ovens are not funny. Ever.
5. Do not wake her up from her delicious dreams of George Clooney and Anderson Cooper by poking your Glory into the small of her back and leering something like “rise and shine baby cakes, RISE and shine”. You will be asked to leave. Rather, if you’re in full salute and you’d like to encourage her to inspect the guards, wake her with a trail of uber-soft kisses down her shoulders and back. Or a light trace of her body with your feather-like finger tips.
Use ‘em. Don’t use ‘em. But, next time, don’t be surprised when she suddenly has an “early meeting”*** and then doesn’t return your calls.
*Girls, sometimes its worth packing your guy away.
**Professing that you’re scared of those testicle eating pixies does not count
***On a Sunday.