bedroom etiquette: top tips for boys


I was thinking about boys in bedrooms, as you do.  And it occurred to me that some of our lovely SA lads might need some pointers on “staying over” etiquette.  Just five friendly pointers, mind you.  Not hard and fast rules.   And, I’m assuming that “don’t steal all of the duvet” goes without saying.


1. Ok, so I’m only going to say this once.  Under no circumstances is it ok to stay over at someone’s house and steal their side of the bed.  Not sure which is their side of the bed?  Have a look.  There is usually more than the usual girly paraphernalia on one side of the bed. Books. The latest edition of Vanity Fair.  Lip balm. Large intimidating vibrators*.  Stuff like that.  Sleep on the other side.  Even if you have some fekkin’ good excuse for only sleeping on a specific side of the bed**, don’t.  It’s rude. 


2.  I’m not hugely fussy on the whole “socks to bed” story.  But please don’t try and shag a girl with your socks still on.  She might say it’s ok.  But it’s not really. It’s kinda tacky.  It says “my comfort is more important than turning you on”.  It’s something Ricky Gervais’s character from “The Office” would do.  And no body, even laaaahoooosers, want to actually be Ricky Gervais’s character from “The Office”.  “Socks and sex”.  It’s just naff.  Take them off, and then, afterwards, you can put them back on again.  Tell her it’s so that you can warm her lovely, beautiful toesies…you might even get a blow job in the morning.


3. Do not ask where she keeps her sex toys on the first night.  And then ogle them and make faintly embarrassed, disparaging noises.  If you can’t handle them, don’t go there.  Yes, her vibrator might make your trouser snake look like an earthworm, but remember, she’s delighted she’s snagged such a lovely (real, live, sexy) gent to warm her bed, so don’t think she’s comparing.  Generally, we don’t compare plastic to flesh. Otherwise we’d be forced to compare ourselves with Pamela Anderson. 


4. Dutch ovens are not funny.  Ever.


5. Do not wake her up from her delicious dreams of George Clooney and Anderson Cooper by poking your Glory into the small of her back and leering something like “rise and shine baby cakes, RISE and shine”.  You will be asked to leave.  Rather, if you’re in full salute and you’d like to encourage her to inspect the guards, wake her with a trail of uber-soft kisses down her shoulders and back.  Or a light trace of her body with your feather-like finger tips.  


Use ‘em.  Don’t use ‘em.  But, next time, don’t be surprised when she suddenly has an “early meeting”*** and then doesn’t return your calls.



*Girls, sometimes its worth packing your guy away.

**Professing that you’re scared of those testicle eating pixies does not count

***On a Sunday.

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16 thoughts on “bedroom etiquette: top tips for boys

  1. Parenthesis says:

    You should post a warning on posts like these. Something along the lines of don’t-under-any-circumstances-drink-coffee-while-reading-this or else. Snorting coffee out through your nose while laughing is not funny. Really 😉
    That said, this reminds me of my good friend who, upon waking up on the first day of her honeymoon, was confronted by her husband, who farted, rolled over and then said, “quick Tubs, give me a hole”. Suffice to say their marriage did not last – can’t say anyone of her friends were that surprised 😉

  2. daisyfae says:

    Um… Regarding #4… Hypothetically speaking, of course, what if one is executed by the lady in response to the man-friend executing #5?

  3. kyknoord says:

    Joke all you like about the testicle eating pixies, but they’re fuckin’ real, man. I recommend you keep a can of Doom on the other side of the bed, just in case.

  4. dolceii says:

    @ Parenthesis > Ag. Sorry about the hot coffee through nose. Just think of it as a nasal enema. And my lawd. That man should be taken outside and shot. Pfffft

    @ Daisyfae > Um…as long as you don’t laugh at my bed socks. My granny made them!

    @ Kyk > Yeah yeah. And since when did Doom kill anything other than nose cillia.

  5. kyknoord says:

    You don’t spray it at the little bastards – you throw it.

  6. So what you’re saying is that you should just shag in the lounge and then go home?
    Problem solved!

  7. dolceii says:

    @ Kyk > Aaah. Death by canning.

    @ Revo > pfft. Took you long enough to come and visit. *sulk* And that is an excellent idea. In fact, why not just in the car, then you don’t even have to actually leave. Although, naturally, if the windows are rolled up, then #4 still applies.

  8. kyknoord says:

    I have a canning plan, My Lord.

  9. chewthecud says:

    Wow. You obviously have or or have had some absolute charmer of a guy. Really where do women find these stereotypes, cos no guy I know is like this 🙂

  10. dolceii says:

    @ Chewie > God, that’s good to know. I’ve been faintly concerned. It must be the bloody Aussies again!

  11. Rich...! says:

    Chewthecud…you discuss this with your guy friends? Sheeesh, I should write a post on ettiquette for conversations about sexual encounters between lads. It should be limited to…
    – Was she on top?
    – Yeah.
    – Good job…!

  12. dolceii says:

    @ Rich…! > Good boy! I couldn’t agree more. Although, I’d clarify that a bit further and say “was she on top reverse cowgirl….”

  13. Martin says:

    To which the answer would be: “Respect.”

  14. dolceii says:


  15. Socks in bed reminds me of the soft core porn I’ve seen a time or two. Ewww! Take them off, fellas.

  16. Dolce says:

    @ Silverstar > haha…the joke’s on me actually: it’s been so cold, I actually wore socks to bed the other night. But LB didn’t mind. He just snuggled up closer and tried to warm my other cold bits for me. Sweet boy.

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