I’ve been thinking about “ex’s”. As you do. And wondering why we don’t have “exit interviews” when relationships end. You know. Like when you leave a job. And they have a final developmental meeting to help the business and the individual work out how things could have been better. What areas might need attention. Or what really worked well.
And I was thinking; if we weren’t the ego trapped, pathetic, emotionally crippled lumps of meat we are, it would be an excellent opportunity to work out why a relationship didn’t work. And, if we were capable, we could think about the stuff that we could work on, or shrug our shoulders at the stuff that we’re not too fussed about.
Dolce: I really, REALLY loved our time together. But you have hideous breath. And I can’t imagine spending another month, let alone 25 years, snogging a dustbin.
Candidate 1: Brilliant. Thanks for letting me know. I’ll chat to the dentist. Oh, and you fart in your sleep. I don’t mind as such, but it’s a little disturbing that you can fart the Flight of the Bumble Bee while deep in REM. It kinda freaks me out.
Dolce: Thanks mate. It’s a pity. One day I’ll find someone who has a penchant for Rimsky-Korsakov.
Candidate 2: Dolc, babe. You shag like a weasel, and that’s great, but you’re a domineering, bitchy, emotional blackmailer. And I’m sick of hanging out with your mother.
Dolce: Oh. Shit. I thought I had that under control? Sorry mate. But you know, it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway. Your house is a pig sty and I can’t handle your taste in porn. I mean, hot lesbian action is sooooo passé.
Dolce: I don’t want this to end, schnookems. I love everything about you.
Candidate 3: Stop stalking me bitch. That restraining order isn’t just for show you know.
Dolce: Oh baby.
You know. Useful stuff that you can take forward into more successful love careers.
But no. We usually just tout out the old “it’s not you, it’s me” [Read: I hate your guts and I rather eat cat droppings that share another second with you]. Or “I’m not ready for a commitment” [Read: With you, you clingy, self-obsessed git]. Or “Let’s be friends” [Read: at least then I can still avail myself of your collectors’ edition series of DVDs without having to put out afterwards].
Even better, you could get reference letters to take into future relationships.
“Candidate 2 needs to work on his attention to detail, but dear mother of god, he has a tongue like an electric eel”
“Dolce is exceptionally well read, but she still licks her plate at the dinner table. However, this in no way hinders her ability to impress potential in-laws.”
I think this could work? I mean, why *is* it so fukken complicated?