Relationships 1.01

I’ve been thinking about “ex’s”.  As you do.  And wondering why we don’t have “exit interviews” when relationships end.  You know.  Like when you leave a job.  And they have a final developmental meeting to help the business and the individual work out how things could have been better.  What areas might need attention.  Or what really worked well.

And I was thinking; if we weren’t the ego trapped, pathetic, emotionally crippled lumps of meat we are, it would be an excellent opportunity to work out why a relationship didn’t work.  And, if we were capable, we could think about the stuff that we could work on, or shrug our shoulders at the stuff that we’re not too fussed about.

Dolce:  I really, REALLY loved our time together.  But you have hideous breath. And I can’t imagine spending another month, let alone 25 years, snogging a dustbin.
Candidate 1:  Brilliant.  Thanks for letting me know.  I’ll chat to the dentist.  Oh, and you fart in your sleep. I don’t mind as such, but it’s a little disturbing that you can fart the Flight of the Bumble Bee while deep in REM.  It kinda freaks me out.
Dolce: Thanks mate.  It’s a pity.  One day I’ll find someone who has a penchant for Rimsky-Korsakov.


Candidate 2: Dolc, babe.  You shag like a weasel, and that’s great, but you’re a domineering, bitchy, emotional blackmailer.  And I’m sick of hanging out with your mother.
Dolce: Oh.  Shit.  I thought I had that under control?  Sorry mate.  But you know, it probably wouldn’t have worked anyway.  Your house is a pig sty and I can’t handle your taste in porn.  I mean, hot lesbian action is sooooo passé.


Dolce:  I don’t want this to end, schnookems.  I love everything about you.
Candidate 3: Stop stalking me bitch.  That restraining order isn’t just for show you know.
Dolce: Oh baby.

You know.  Useful stuff that you can take forward into more successful love careers.

But no.  We usually just tout out the old “it’s not you, it’s me” [Read: I hate your guts and I rather eat cat droppings that share another second with you].  Or “I’m not ready for a commitment” [Read: With you, you clingy, self-obsessed git].  Or “Let’s be friends” [Read: at least then I can still avail myself of your collectors’ edition series of DVDs without having to put out afterwards].

Even better, you could get reference letters to take into future relationships.

“Candidate 2 needs to work on his attention to detail, but dear mother of god, he has a tongue like an electric eel”

“Dolce is exceptionally well read, but she still licks her plate at the dinner table.  However, this in no way hinders her ability to impress potential in-laws.”

I think this could work?  I mean, why *is* it so fukken complicated?

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24 thoughts on “Relationships 1.01

  1. 302 says:

    you do know that exit interviews happen when it’s too late and hence they are quite farcical.

    you can’t always insert a logical step when things evolve.

    and anyway i’d stick in a martini step if we were going to get all procedural.

  2. kyknoord says:

    302 raises an excellent point. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the break-upper, or the break-uppee – the chances that you’ll be capable of giving an accurate assessment are pretty remote. What you really need is a “strap them down and inject them with truth serum” step (and then you might be castigated for being too controlling. Just can’t win, can you?)

  3. Parenthesis says:

    Mwahahahaha! Brilliant post, Dolce, just what I needed on a Monday morning! Still chuckling, really funny. Perhaps you should get them to complete a 360 values feedback form aswell ? You know, miserly, tight, thinks a Mac Burger and chips and a budget dvd are first class [him]; spends too much money on shoes, make up, hand bags [her] etc? Great idea!

  4. Dolce says:

    @ 302 > No, no. Martinis are classically part of the “recruiting” phase. I find generally that hot coffee, flung in face, is more common in the exit phase. And surely no advice is “too late” if it can help you in the future?

    @ Kyk > Aaah. Truth serum. Excellent! And I find that administering it annonymously circumvents the whole “controlling” issue. And I’m so glad you said castigated.

    @ P > this is no laughing matter young lady. I’m as serious as a self-help book. And there is no such thing as “spends too much money on shoes”. Pffffft!

  5. Mrs. Benitez says:

    I don’t know, Dolce. Isn’t it a bit counter-productive leaving things to the very end like that? Personally, I favour an ongoing, carrot-and-stick approach to interpersonal relations. Because it’s not just about getting someone to fill an opening these days, is it? I like to start off with an initial 3 month, no-obligation trial contract, with a 24 hour notice period and no expectations of renewal. Once a more permanent contract has been negotiated, regular evaluations, motivational talks, and thoughtful executive gifts are all conducive to an improved sense of well-being and a stimulating work environment. Those who contribute positively to the bottom line and display a willingness to put in long hours at night and over weekends should anticipate performance bonuses, shares, and preferential behind-the-scenes treatment.

    If, on the other hand, a candidate consistently fails to deliver on expectations in the face of verbal and written warnings, peer evaluations, and extensive rehabilitation and training, well… there’s always the handy lay-off clause – you know, “this position has been made redundant” – that sort of thing. Of course, it helps to have a suitable replacement in the wings if you’re after a smooth hand(s)-over and to keep the down-time to a minimum.

    Remember: you’re only the best if you date the best.

  6. 302 says:

    no, there’s a place for martini in the exit, you can test how much you were into they other person, a personal yardstick, the farthest i’ve gone done that road was seven, a long ardious twistin’ road, a a hangover that required remorse.

    and as long as it’s instant coffee flung in the face i’ve got no problem with it, that’s dignified, organic filter from brasil would need to be on the credit side of that list of rules, why waste good coffee, when it’s over.

    learning from the past, perhaps but everything’s always slightly different, and i assume you get to make similar choices but things the outcomes are often not exactly replicated even if it feels the same and that is because ultimately it either works or it doesn’t.

  7. Dolce says:

    @ Mrs B > Mmm. you’ve made me think. I might just start a graduate recruitment programme. All in the interests of skills development, of course. Oh goodie!

    @ Mr 302 > Seven? Martinis? Sheesh! And you’re right, it either works or it doesn’t. C’est la vie, nes pas?

  8. The Tart says:

    Mrs B has the right idea. Hmmm, then there is always my approach … Therapy. Which takes me back to Mrs. B’s approach … All therapy taught me was to really worry about my choices, then wonder about myself. The final Chapter in therapy was that 2 Ex’s were tad bit tainted before I picked them. Sheesh!!

    Fast forward smooches,
    The Tart
    ; *

  9. Rich...! says:

    Sweet leapin’ Jesus…I think I may be candidate 2…!

  10. I reckon if Jon Stewart read this he’d leave his wife and run off with you before you could say Condoleezza Rice.

  11. Rox says:

    I reckon Mrs.B has the right idea – the problem with exit interviews is that generally the person we fell for ends up being the person we want to just Go Away, but we suddenly have realised that their charming habits are no longer charming when we have to put up with them on a regular basis.

    Also, to another person he / she may not be quite such a repulsive waste of oxygen if the other person possesses similar er, traits.

    I think we should actually be pro-active and do the interviews first, that way we weed out the bad ones before they become nuisances. Call it screening and get their views on chocolate, presents, attention and worship before they get to the initial wooing phase.

  12. nursemyra says:

    hysterical post – hysterical answers. especially from mrs B

  13. daisyfae says:

    Does “drunk dialing” a ex about 3 months after a break up count as an ‘exit interview’?

    Your logic is irrefutable – i don’t know why it can’t be more civilized, and we can’t take a more formal approach to documenting our “strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, threats” in our personal lives the way we do in our professional endeavors.

    oh. wait. fucking hormones, emotions, childhood/adolescent demons and biology…

    (@MdW – Jon Stewart is mine… MINE! he just doesn’t know it yet…)

  14. Dolce says:

    @ the Tart > Before I start,*smooches back*, just for fun! Ag. Therapy. A wonderful exercise, fraught with the possibility that you’ll feel worse than you did before. Are you suggesting that we have each candidate on the couch? Isn’t that just “recruiting” of a different kind? 😉

    @ Rich…! > Have you tidied your room yet?

    @ P > *smirk*

    @ Mands > Yeah, sure. But does he have a tongue like an electric eel?

    @ Rox > Excellent idea. In fact, we could offer a side bar recruitment agency service for friends. Kinda like “You’re not right for this position, but I know of a lovely opening in Oranezicht”…yeah baby!

    @ Nurse M > Mrs B cracks me up too. Wicked woman. Snorting out green tea into my key board is neither attractive nor conducive to my “I’m hugely busy” facade at work.

    @ Dais > Oh. Fuck. No, Dais, that’s counted as exit regret. And it doesn’t help when you want to renegotiate any future “freelance” work.

    (oh, and for the record, back off beeeaatches…Jonno knows which side his fine bread is buttered!)

  15. thegnukid says:

    Should I be worried that any exit interviews I’m lucky to receive seem to start off with “You fucking bastard…”? Hey, at least that means she’s still talking to me, right?

  16. Rich...! says:

    Spic ‘n span sister… just the way you like it…!

  17. Parenthesis says:

    Gnukid: you obviously haven’t been meeting SLA’s 😉

  18. thegnukid says:

    Ahhh!!! Parenthesis, help me. Google has let me down. Embarrassing, but I don’t know what an “SLA” is… I’m sure i’ll kick myself (or take volunteers) once told.

  19. Parenthesis says:

    Gnukid: hee hee. It’s a Service Level Agreement 😉

  20. Dolce says:

    @ Gnu > I think “you fucking bastard” is a term of endearment. Isn’t it?

    @ Rich…! > you’re not talking about your room anymore, are you?

    @ P & Gnu > the SLA on this site is muchos comments. You both score a “fuckin’ A” and a “nice one”. Thank you for your committment to our continued success and I look forward to many fruitful years of mutual benefit. *grin*

  21. Parenthesis says:

    Do we get a cash incentive? 🙂

  22. Thanks, nursemyra. You should know that I just hang out here to pick up writing/snarking tips from Dolce, though. I’m her evil…biggest fan.

  23. Dolce says:

    @ P > Pfffftt. Hilarious, darling.

    @ Mrs B > No, no…I humbly submit that I am your evil…biggest fan.

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