A little moment of clarity



I read a post from Girl with a One Track Mind last night, and Zoe Margolis*, you marvellous woman; in one paragraph you have articulated what I’ve needed to hear for most of my sexually active adult life.  

“Everywhere I looked it seemed that as a woman, I was either supposed to have difficulty orgasming and be inhibited about sex, or else I was supposed to be donning a thong, shaking my tits to some lads, and screaming about how “empowered” I was. I related to neither, and I was sick of how my sexuality as a woman was restrained by these limited stereotypes. Where were the women who loved sex and refused the “slut” labels? Where were the women who felt OK about their bodies, but weren’t interested in making money off them? Where were the women who grasped that sexual liberation doesn’t mean the freedom to pose for Playboy, but instead, means being able to have the sex that they want and still be respected by both their partners and society?”

The child of a repressed society that categorised women as either “good girls” or “whores” and nothing in-between, as a teenager and young woman I pretty much always felt as if I was somehow deviant for having the sexual appetites and desires I had.  I rebelled self-destructively against the labels in my early 20s, shut myself off from desire in my late 20s, rediscovered myself in my 30s and am only just beginning to feel comfortable and empowered and, dammit, utterly schexxxy again.


And it feels good.  It seems completely ridiculous to admit this, especially since, amongst my friends, I’m considered to be the most sexually expressive, open and adventurous of our group.  But for the first time in my life I’m having orgasms (plenty of orgasms**) and sex feels fun and sweet and passionate and fabulous without a twinge of guilt or shame or indignity.  And as much as I wish I knew what I know now back in my 20s, I’m just glad I’m good with being me right now.



*Read her blook.  It’s fab

** LB.  You!

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20 thoughts on “A little moment of clarity

  1. kyknoord says:

    Ah. A little clarity from a little death. I love semantic symmetry.

  2. daisyfae says:

    clap… clap… clap….* Very well said, both from Ms. Margolis and Ms. Vita… lots i could say here, but i think a “yeah. me too…” is good enough. y’all nailed it…

    *no, not “THE CLAP”..

  3. thegnukid says:

    La petite morte… over and over… guiltless… [sigh] if only…

    …but point well taken… both men and women will have to be retrained in their thinking. i for one, would be happy to discard the duality of ‘either/or’ and embrace (literally and figuratively) the Woman of Self Aware Passion

  4. egadfly says:

    I have a hopeful suspicion that our society and its media are ever so gradually abandoning obeisance to the stultifying stereotype of Madonna-or-whore. Voices such as Zoe’s – and yours – help to nudge us forwards.

    only just beginning to feel … utterly schexxxy again

    Good. Because, y’know, you are 🙂

  5. Seraphine says:

    who wants to sleep with someone who
    treats you as a stereotype anyway?
    sneeze in their face if they don’t
    like it.
    i want people to respect me,
    but unscrew them if they don’t.

  6. Dolce says:

    @ Kyk > there’s something to be said about multiple reincarnation

    @ Dais > You said “nailed” Nhur hur hur. And, while we’re at it, my redefinition of a really good girl?: one who protects herself against the clap clap clap!

    @ Gnu > Multifaceted, multilayered womans are WAY more fun. But to be honest, I think a lot of us still battle with the stuff. Semantic stuff (ta Mr Noord) Like, why are men “studs”, but women “sluts”…the language is so ugly. And the sex industry would have us believe that “empowerment” means you feel comfortable with people treating your body like a commodity, which is just shite. Isn’t it interesting that we spend our lives pursing the “sexuality” of scantily clad plastic bimbettes, yet we think Germans are weird because they have co-gender changerooms and are comfortable sauna’ing in the nude together. Ag. I’m ranting again. *sigh*.

    @ Ega*laha*d > Thanks, in part, to you, my friend. Thank you. For both the comment and the part. *bows*

  7. Dolce says:

    @ Seraphina > unscrew them if they don’t….haha. Indeed. And I agree with you. Hence the (almost) 10 year celebacy. I didn’t want to feel the way I let others make me feel before. Now I choose.

  8. nursemyra says:

    celibate for ten years dolce? wow what a waste! (hope I don’t end up rivalling that record. then again, since stephen died sex remains way off my agenda)

  9. Dolce says:

    @ Nurse M > Almost. Not quite. But I might as well have been. But yeah. Sex wasn’t on my agenda either. Well it was, but I was fragile and didn’t know what sex meant anymore. I didn’t know how to love, or show care, or be intimate, or just fuck, without it being a huge, complicated thing. So I didn’t. Much.

  10. Dolce says:

    @ Nurse M > you don’t quit do you 😉

    Ag. There was a horrible occassion with a boy who left my house to return to his fiance. (Which made me so angry, I shut down even more). Then there was a small, but very welcome and delightful moment with an old friend (mmmmm). And an encounter with an Aussie called Simeon who stole me a road sign and made me feel really precious. But over 10 years….not much. Really. The longest actually period of purely celibate time was four years.

    Reminds me of an old joke about the priest who is looking at old, old, OLD archives of the first copies of the original religious works, all hand written and copied out carefully….and suddenly starts weeping and wailing and crying and beating his hands on this head, yelling; “celebRate, celebRate….they forgot the fucking ‘r'”

  11. Parenthesis says:

    No idea why, but “hubba hubba” comes to mind …. 🙂

  12. Dolce says:

    @ Ms P > Indeed *grin*

  13. Wenchy says:

    Gotta love it!!!

  14. nursemyra says:

    love the old priest story!

    hey, where’s Simeon now…… 🙂

  15. Seraphine says:

    schexxxy? sing that song

  16. OlgaTTB says:

    …just wait ’til you hit 50! Wine isn’t the only thing that gets better with age, ya know! 😉

  17. Dolce says:

    @ Wenchy > Hola…and thanks for popping in at The Good Life. And I dooooo, I doooooooo…it’s goooooooooooooood!

    @ Nurse M > I don’t know, sadly. We didn’t even exchange contact details. He was SUCH a cute kid. Yummmm.

    @ Seraphine > I’m too schexxxy for my shirt, too schexxxy for my shirt or I believe in miracles, you schexxxy thing or I’m bringing schexxy back, those muthafukkas don’t know how to act….hey this is fun!

    @ OlgaTTB > *grin*….

  18. Seraphine says:

    lol about the guy who stole
    a street sign for you (and the
    obvious attraction to bad boys)

  19. Dolce says:

    @ Seraphine > Mmmm. Bad boys. I just can’t resist.

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