visiting the poesarts*

Another year, another trip to the gynae.  Christ.  I fuckin’ hate the small talk.  Some dude has his fingers up your love tunnel, and you’re chatting about how your mother’s slipped disks are being treated.  The boob mashage.  The uninvited invasion of rubberised fingers.  The teeny, tiny, barely there Biggie-fukken-Best gown.  The Buzzy McTwatprobe.**

 

I thought that was bad.

 

Excuse me while I’m crushed into one imploding atom of excruciating embarrassment.

 

For just when I thought it could get no worse….

 

[WARNING: do NOT read further if you are easily horrified]

 

…I forgot to remove my tampon….so he had to do it for me.***

 

*HOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWL*

__________________

 

*In Afrikaans, you get a tandarts (dentist) and a veearts (vet)… so why not a poesarts?  Work it out. Thanks LB, you funny boy.

 

**Thanks Dais.  I actually laughed in the office when he lubed up “the instrument”.  Chose not to explain.

 

****Did I just share this with the whole interweb?***

 

****I did, didn’t I?  The mortification continues.****

 

*****the amount of wine I’m going to need to imbibe to get over this?  Oi!

 

me, forever...

me, forever...

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24 thoughts on “visiting the poesarts*

  1. Jenty says:

    Hee hee, I actually seriously laughed out loud!!
    Rather you than me!

  2. It gets worse as you get older. They find more embarrassing and excruciating things to do to you.

  3. nursemyra says:

    oh is that all? I thought you were going to say you farted! now that would be embarrassing 🙂

  4. daisyfae says:

    at least he didn’t find the glove he lost last year. that would really suck. not that it ever happened to me…

  5. kyknoord says:

    Look at it this way, as long as you’re in there for a service, he may as well earn his keep. Next time get him to give you a shampoo and a trim.

  6. vapour says:

    @kyk. Yierrrrra!

  7. Tyger Katt says:

    Great! I suspect I am due for the annual plumbing inspection. Thanks for the reminder!

    I have a couple of embarrassing ones to add too. Like the time I assumed ‘the position’ and realised that my legs were so hairy a gorilla would be envious. Of course my big mouth raced away with me while I was in this compromising position and it blurted “Oh no! I forgot to shave.” The doctor stopped jellifying the instrument of humiliation, turned around with a rather weird expression on his face and said “Oh, that is okay.” It was only about three days later when it dawned on me that we were not referring to the same thing.

    *sigh* I live in a klein dorpie, they think a Brazilian is someone who hails from Brazil.

  8. Tyger Katt says:

    I cannot believe I just admitted that to the world! Can we start a support group, please?

  9. vapour says:

    Hahaha Kat. I have this mate who is a top gynaecologist. He is really well known and considered one of the best around. I think it’s important to note that in the decades I have known him he hasn’t once talked about a patient or discussed any amusing situations that, as we now know *thanks ladies* definitely happens, at any time. We laugh a lot but never once has he ever broken the trust that exists between him and his patients. Good to know don’t you think?

  10. Rich...! says:

    And so today, I look up into the blue yonder and thank the good lord that I don’t believe in, for my willy, wrinkly wee fucker that he is.

  11. Dolce says:

    @ Jents > Oh thanks! Thanks a lot. *weep* Mind you, you’ve had two kids…you know the standard that your dignity gets left at the door!

    @ Silverstar > Worse? More? Can I abdicate please?

    @ Nurse M > ahaahahahahaha – thanks M…I knew I could count on you. You must have seen worse and then some at the Gim.

    @ Dais > This is the same man who told my mother “wipe away the cobwebs, it’ll be as good as new”…ew!

    @ Kyk > There’s a whole new business model here; full service punani centre…get your girl nads and wombman bits checked, while opting for a hot wax and go-faster stripe? I can see ’em lining up!

    @ Vaps > ja. He’s like that, isn’t he?

    @ Katja > Aahahahaaha. I sometimes wonder what strange things those guys must see…

    @ Katja II > Poesarts Survivors Unanimous!

    @ Vaps II > Bless you, my dear boy.

    @ Rich…! > Nice try bucko – I know you okes fear the snapping sound of the rubber glove as much as we do…the Gatarts is your friend!

  12. HA HA HA!! Always a winning medical time!

    I got taught [by who knows actually -wouldn’t have been my mother!] that you must only visit the gynae when you are SURE it is not your period. How to time THAT against their 5 month waiting list is truly an impressive feat.

  13. Uncle Keith says:

    I was in a show with a friend who plotted to put her husband’s class ring in her champagne room for the doctor. She never told me she did it, but she’s exactly the kind who would.

  14. michaelm says:

    I’m so sorry. I’m laughing so hard I had to go get a Kleenex.
    It must be terrible to be in that position.
    But the tampon? Sorry, kiddo, I lost it, really lost it.
    Thanks for showing yourself to the world.
    You feel liberated, now don’t you? :mrgreen:
    I feel terrible . . .
    ~m

  15. michaelm says:

    Buzzy McTwatProbe?
    I went to school with that bastard!
    How is he?
    ~m

  16. thegnukid says:

    i couldn’t do what the doc does… i can’t make small talk when staring at a woman’s hoo-hoo. drool? yeah. mumble? check. but no small talk…

  17. Dolce says:

    @ Champers > helllo darling!! Yes. I learnt that little lesson at the knee of the women too…but I asked my gynae and he said he didn’t care. He said it’s like going to the dentist when you haven’t brushed your teeth…not particularly pleasant, maybe, but kinda what they’re there for; to see it’s all in working order! Horrible though. Ik ik ik.

    @ Uncle Keith > Welcome to the good life. You don’t mind if I call you Oom, do you? It’s Souf Effikan for Uncle. And “champagne room”…oooooh I like that! I’ve got all kinds of fizz bang, pop my cork metaphors to play with now. Ta.

    @ Michael M > Nice. Laugh. Fine. Ag…I can laugh about it too (now). That sheepish “oh my god” kind of laughter where you just can’t believe it actually happened. EEEEK. And ja. Old Buzz is good. Doesn’t have quite the stamina of high school, but his technique’s improved. NOT.

    @ Gnu > I know! It’s like willies. I couldn’t cup a pair of nads without wanting to test the joystick, you know? Flip.

  18. oniongirl says:

    ah hell. i havent laughed this well in a while – or been half as chuffed at having my womb ripped out. i’ve opted for a girliegynae now – and a chubbly one at that – so no more self-consciousness for me… but i’m still relieved that those visits will be few and far between.
    on of my prior ones saw my doc chasing after an elusive runaway copper t thingamie with one hand and a cuppa java in the other. peasant.

  19. Dolce says:

    @ Onion Girl > Oooh…you’ve got a womb with a view…And ja, the weird convo’s I’ve had with mine – his daughter when to school with me, which is doubly embaressing. Eish.

  20. ExMi says:

    indeed.

    you deserve an Overshare Award.

    Please go and collect, and pass on as you see fit.

  21. […] Living La Dolce Vita for “visting the Poesarts” – talking about her visit to the fanny doctor, and how she forgot to remove her tampon. so […]

  22. Dolce says:

    @ ExMi > ta luv…gotta get something outta this! :mrgreen:

  23. ExMi says:

    btw – it totally counts, even though you asked for it = it shows your willingness to *completely* overshare.

    lol.

    and it’s well-deserved too.

    your story made me want to die, on your behalf.

  24. […] So I had to prompt for it+, but I’ve received a lovely overshare award for my Excrutiating Poesarts Post*, where I shared WAAAAAY too much information with the interweb and generally added to the […]

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