The Dolce that Stole Christmas

My family is mass produced by unskilled labour. Last year I had 52 people on my festive gift list. 52. Not just me ole mum and dad. No. Aunts. Uncles. Cousins. Cousins twice removed. Illegitimate cousins. Step-sisters. Ex-step mothers. Ex-step grandmothers. Ex-step-common-law-step-sisters, for godsake. And half of the cousins have just had new babies. Friends (and Laughing Boys) don’t even get a look in. Aarrggh.

And in case you haven’t noticed, inflation was about a bagillion this year. And the interest rate went up another zillion percent.

So today I called them all. Put my Grinch hat on and told them Christmas is off*. This year we’ll just love each other. Next year we’ll get back on the over-commercialised, hamster-wheel of store-bought affection.

* deep breath *

I’ll feel better now.

Lawd, I might even start 2009 with a vaguely solid credit card. Imagine that!

*Surprisingly, many of them were delighted!  Who knew we were all trapped in the horror that is XtremeXmas…

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17 thoughts on “The Dolce that Stole Christmas

  1. Vapour says:

    Send them sex toys that should stop the mass production for a while.

  2. I have six brothers and sisters and god knows how many nieces, nephew, great-nieces/nephews, and cousins. I live in official poverty. They don’t even get Xmas cards most years. The only ones I gift are The Boyo, and if we go to his family for the holidays, I will bake/make gifts for them. I think a lot of people are trapped in the “they gave me something, I have to give them something” trap. Once you breathe the freedom of dumping a lot of them, you’ll never go back.

  3. daisyfae says:

    my immediate family (siblings) has gone from a half-hearted “name drawing” to a whole-hearted “show up and drink” and we’re all enjoying it more… disparities in incomes started it, and in the end, it allowed us to get back to just enjoying hanging out…

    now, if i didn’t have about 20 administrative support folks who have come to expect my silly gift baskets (lotions, potions, yummies and booze) every year…

    congrats on stepping off the carousel. it’s nice here in Grinch-ville!

  4. kyknoord says:

    At the very least, you’ve given everyone on your gift list something to ponder. If any of them follow your example, then you’ve given the gift of financial prudence – an interactive gift, if you will. Not quite as satifying as Lindt balls, but still pretty nice.

  5. Seraphine says:

    this year we’ll just love each other.
    you don’t have my family. we look for reasons to whine at each other. you got a bigger dessert than me. you invited david, and you didn’t invite me. blah blah blah. if i didn’t give my family a christmas gift, they’d think i didn’t love them.
    maybe this year i’ll make some bread and have it delivered to them.
    it’s better than inviting them over.
    oops, that last was a joke… kinda.

  6. 302 says:

    a present for every week of the year, that’s a bit much even for santa.

  7. nursemyra says:

    eeeeek…. there’s no way I would buy gifts for 52 people. I still spend way too much on my sons every year but everyone else gets homemade cookies. and they’d better like ’em!

  8. Pete says:

    Great idea. Won’t fly in my family but a great idea anyway. Perhaps I can get a whole lot of books via BookMooch and wrap them up as presents. *plot plot*

  9. michaelm says:

    can I send this link to the 837 relatives who want a Christmas gift?
    Nail, meet head.
    Brilliant, Dolce, brilliant.
    Fuck all the money grubbing retail establishments selling their ‘seasonal happiness’.

  10. Dolce says:

    @ Vaps > Um. You haven’t met my Aunts, have you? They’d make a bunny weep for mercy and still have appetite for more. *sigh*

    @ Silverstar > I know…this whole liberation thing is thrilling! And SIX brothers and sisters? Sheesh lady. Your folks not have TV 😉

    @ Dais > I wanna work for you! We get a teeny gift voucher and a pat on the head.

    @ Kyk > Who says you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.

    @ Sera > Well, someon suggested we do a “name out of a hat” senario. But half the fam don’t speak to each other (I’m the only eejit who tries to keep the peace), so that’s a no go. Who invented families anyway? Hurrrumph!

    @ 302 > Especially when it means Santa’s got nothing left over for something delicious to put in the festive eggnog.

    @ Nurse M > I’ve baked a few years. But this year, I time AND cash poor. So Bah Humbug. Or something. I might still make some festive cookies though…mmmm. Just a few….

    @ Pete > Excellent idea. I’ll still be buying for mum, dad and sisters…but the whole extra caste of thousands will have to go without, dammit.

    @ Michael M > That’s what I think. All this rampant, unchecked consumerism…all to buy a little favour and assauge a little guilt for the new year. Bollocks to that!

  11. blade says:

    where is your RSS feed dude?

  12. Dolce says:

    @ Blade > Welcome dude! On the right.

  13. Rox says:

    My family also had that problem, so a few years ago we implemented a ‘secret santa’ type thing so that everyone got one decent present each from the main family only.

    It worked well for a while, but now slowly people (especially my gran) have been buying extra presents here and there again.

    We all adore presents far too much to go cold turkey though, hehe.

  14. Dolce says:

    @ Rox > ja, Grannies will do that. Sneaky old bats 😉

  15. oniongirl says:

    dolla… only now babe? sheeeeit. i got off that bigbuck bus long ago… only the kiddies – the close ones, which puts it at around a dozen gifts. um. then mum of course – but we have a R50 limit… if its the thought, then thats cool?
    i have o admit – my gothling isnt too impressed with the small things in life anymore – skater/surf boi’s have expensive habits.

    diablo and i just shag. often. with and without tinsel. he’s generous that way.

  16. oniongirl says:



    i may not have the money for the dozen now – i go into a bottle store about once a year – max… but when i do i get a bit overzealous…

    vermouth, multana,hanne-4-poot; grants… aiyee… i’m already planning whats next on my list.
    my 2009 resolution – you guessed it – get ratters more often – i entertain myself much better when i’m sozz’d.

  17. Dolce says:

    @ Oniongal > hell yes, sister. To the shagging and the getting ratters. Beats Xmas shopping any day of the week.

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