Only human

Today, especially, seemed like a good day.*
So.  Where were we?  Oh right. Boy meets girl.  There is an audible click from day one.  They fall in love.   The love has all the right bits.  And there is a lot of laughing.  But when it comes down to the wire, the bit where ‘the future’ looms large, a sharp snaggy thing sticks out. A place where the middle ground of compromise starts looking more like a wasteland.  It’s no one’s fault.  It just is.  She wants one thing.  He wants another.  There is no upper hand.  No moral high ground.  No wrong or right.  Just difference.  Three potential paths.  And one fucking huge decision.

The problem with this is that there’s no one to blame.  There’s no rage to get you through the pain.  You can’t get indignant and convince yourself you’re better off.  Without him.  And so you just live in a kind of dark misery.  A lonely gray place that feels dull and raw and cold.  And you listen to people spout platitudes and admonishments and reasons why it’s the best thing ever.  And you swear you’ll never spout platitudes again.  But you know people are trying to be kind.  That the pain makes them uncomfortable.

But platitudes are nothing over the voice.  That fucking sly voice that starts to whisper in the black, black hours.  The one sneers that you’re a fool.  That you’re a bitch.  That what you want is unreasonable.  Love.  Family.  Who will want  you?  No one.  No one!  You’ll never be enough.  Never.  Not you.

And so you fall asleep with your hands over your ears, and tears on your cheeks, whispering soothing things to your wounded heart.  Hoping, hoping you haven’t made the biggest mistake of your life.

*I’m hoping, in the spirit of fools everywhere, that you’ll ignore the pain, and just pretent this isn’t really real.  Just laugh and clap at the jangling bells and painted on smile. Just for today.  With the most humble and grateful thanks, I just don’t think I can take any more platitudes.

nly human

Today, especially, seemed like a good day.

So.  Where were we?  Oh right. Boy meets girl.  There is an audible click from day one.  They fall in love.   The love has all the right bits.  And there is a lot of laughing.  But when it comes down to the wire, the bit where ‘the future’ looms large, a sharp snaggy thing sticks out. A place where the middle ground of compromise starts looking more like a wasteland.  It’s no one’s fault.  It just is.  She wants one thing.  He wants another.  There is no upper hand.  No moral high ground.  No wrong or right.  Just difference.  Three potential paths.  And one fucking huge decision.

The problem with this is that there’s no one to blame.  There’s no rage to get you through the pain.  You can’t get indignant and convince yourself you’re better off now.  Without him.  And so you just live in a kind of dark misery.  A lonely gray place that feels dull and raw and cold.  And you listen to people spout platitudes and admonishments and reasons why it’s the best thing ever.  And you swear you’ll never spout platitudes again.  But you know people are trying to be kind.  That the pain makes them uncomfortable.

But platitudes are nothing over the voice.  That fucking sly voice that starts to whisper in the black, black hours. The one sneers that you’re a fool.  That you’re a bitch.  That what you want is unreasonable.  Love.  Family.  Who will want that with you? No one.  No one could love you.  You’ll never be enough.  Not you.

And so you fall asleep with your hands over your ears, and tears on your cheeks, whispering soothing things to your wounded heart.  Hoping, hoping you haven’t made the biggest mistake of your life.

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28 thoughts on “Only human

  1. robinaltman says:

    I’m sorry, Dolce. That was really well written. See? That wasn’t a platitude.

  2. daisyfae says:

    fuck. just fuck…

  3. DelBoy says:

    So very sad… nearly brought a tear to my eye.

    Hope you get better soon.

  4. Flutter says:

    Eish D. This sucks. First 6 weeks is a killer, then it gets a little easier every week.
    Hang in there! And you will love again.

  5. tehjesus says:

    I want a biscuit too! So not looking forward to the weekend.

  6. Shebee says:

    Dude.

    Um.

    Welcome back?

  7. The Tart says:

    Love … What a thing it is. Every part of it …

    ; *

  8. hisqueen says:

    Well…shit…just plain shit..
    thought of you each time I saw Dolce Vita shoes..made me smile..

    • Dolce says:

      Shit on a shit stick with a side order of shit cakes.

      There are Dolce Vita Shoes? Why am I not surprised. I’m smiling too. Shoooooeeees.

  9. Happy you’re blogging again. (Are you? This isn’t just a fly by?)
    Not happy you’re feeling kak. All the best with that part.

  10. i haven’t been to your blog in months. at one stage this weird thing happened where suddenly everyone was wondering where the fuck dolce and kn were. and then you know, you move on. saw your comment on sasha’s tweet stream, came and poked around. i don’t know you, we haven’t really been big blog buddies. but this sucks ass. i’m sorry it’s so kak.

    • Dolce says:

      Ass!!!

      Me too, D. I keep wondering how much longer I have to feel like shite on a stick. It’s so boring to those around you. All the moping and gnashing of teeth.

      Fortunately I can now stalk you on the RADIO too – how exciting is that!

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