The violation of my happy place…

I’m moving out of my house for two weeks so that I can (scalp) make some money from the influx of international fans coming over to enjoy the festivities.

I’ve lined up some lovely folk who are going to live in my house for two weeks and essentially pay for my holiday to Greece.  Win win, as the consultants like to say.

And that’s fab.  They’re nice people.  I know them through a friend, so they’re vouched for, and they’re only staying for two weeks.  And I have mattress on the floor in M’s flat until I head off to bath in the Aegean.

All well and good.

Until I realized these people will be shagging in my bed.

*shudder*

Now this wouldn’t normally be a problem.  If I was gettin’ some, I’d be incredibly laissez-faire about the whole thing.  If I’m shagging, then I’m delighted if the whole world shags with me.  Theoretically speaking, of course.  Shag, I’d say.  Shag away.  Shag incessantly.  In fact, if you position the dresser mirror just so…*ahem*…well yes, you get the picture.

But I’m not.

So I’m suddenly horrified at the thought of someone soiling my virgin bed.  My safe haven.  My escape pod.  Other people making the two backed beast in my little snake pit?  Cue Munchian ‘Scream’……

Nooooooooooooo.

I wonder if I can quickly build a ‘no shagging’ clause into my lease agreement?

*sigh*

Edvard Munch’s The Scream

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , ,

19 thoughts on “The violation of my happy place…

  1. nursemyra says:

    Too late for that clause Dolce darlin’ Never mind, daisyfae and I will do our damnedest to find a suitable shag for you in Greece 😉

    • Yeah, good idea! That other guy was a total fucking loser.

      • Dolce says:

        Not entirely sure I’m up for a Shirley Valentine experience just yet. And we are going to be on Lesbos after all. Will there *be* any men? And Jeebers, stop poking sticks. We all know Myra was talking about a nice carpet. Or a bird. Oh fuck….

  2. daisyfae says:

    are they hot? install cameras…

  3. Flutter says:

    I’m with Daisyfae, install cameras with motion sensor activation and sell the film online for a fortune. Or there’s always blackmail?

  4. uck… the thought of other people’s other bodily fluids on MY mattress… can you rent a bed for the time they’ll be there?
    Or install some rubber sheets (BYOGerbils)?

    • Dolce says:

      Stephanie…yeah? YEAH? PHOEFF. Mind you, theoretically I already have other people’s bodily fluids on my mattress. *whistles innocently*

  5. Can you cover the mattress with plastic? I’d burn the mattress pad upon your return. It’s too bad I’m not renting your place. I could almost guarantee that nothing would happen to soil your bed.

    Aren’t you just a BIT tempted to stay so you could say you experienced World Cup fever?

    • Dolce says:

      UB – plastic and disinfectant and large amounts of scotch guard.

      *shudder*

      And, I’ll have you know, I’m staying for the start of the WC and I’ll be back for the end. All the best bits. But away enough not to want to kill the hordes.

      Have you *HEARD* a vuvuzela? Imagine them being blasted all the time, all day, for 31 days. Well more, with all this lead up crap.

      *sigh*

  6. twin says:

    why is it always assumed that guests only shag in/on the bed? kitchen counters beware….

    • Dolce says:

      no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

      *rocks quietly in the corner*

  7. DelBoy says:

    I’m with twin… kitchen counters, dining tables, couches, showers… beds are so last week doll!

  8. 25BAR says:

    You and the Nurse enjoy your holiday!
    Please remember to post some photos of the places you visit!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: