Rant: reminder to self that humans sometimes suck. A lot.

A colleague asked me to look after a journo he knows while said journo was out in SA covering the world cup.  I’m a hospitable gal.  So when the guy mentioned he’d be in Cape Town for a while, I offered him my spare room.

Big mistake.  Huge!*

I dutifully picked him up from the airport, in the middle of my work day.  Spent an hour with him getting him settled and then dropping him off in town.

Day one:  he rocks home at 5.30am, skanky chick in tow.  And they proceed to shag in my spare bed.  I did not know this until the next night, when he sheepishly apologised, thinking I’d heard it all.  Naïve, stupid, idiotic me thought the squeaky bed was a drunk boy trying to get comfortable.  Not impressed.

As part of the confession, he mentions she might have stolen R2k cash from his pockets and his cell phone.

And he left the front door open.  In South Africa.  Crime capital of the world.


Day two: I pick him up for tea at one of the poshest hotels in Cape Town.  Something he’s requested to do.  He’s 20minutes late.  He’s had 3 glasses of wine to make up for the hangover.  He follows with 2 G&Ts for tea and 2 pints of beer for early dins.  This takes us to 6.30pm, where I leave him to pursue soccer.  He rocks home at 12.30.  Alone.  All good.  Until I wake him to take him into town, as per his request, to see the museums.  He proceeds to spend the first 20 minutes of his day vomiting.  While I’m trying to eat breakfast.  And then gets into my car without brushing his teeth.


Day 3:  I’m losing patience, but I’ve organised him a wine tour.  Clearly the man hasn’t bought enough clothes, for when I wake him for that, he smells like a latrine.  Seriously.  Three days of hard boozing, smoking, shagging and vomiting.  In pretty much the same clothes.

Dear god.

I take him to the airport. Relieved.

And then, today, I discover his skanky ho has more than likely helped herself to my brand-new, bought in duty free with hard earned bonus, not yet insured camera.

Seething with rage.

Journo and colleague will pay.  As for the ho.  I hope her bits are infested with the fleas of a thousand bergie dogs, and her arms are too short to scratch.  Bitch.

I am clearly a complete and utter eejit.  That is the very, VERY last time I play host to someone I don’t know.

*Julia said it best.

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40 thoughts on “Rant: reminder to self that humans sometimes suck. A lot.

  1. twin says:

    you’re far too polite.

    Cunt …with a Capital C… = journo & skank.

  2. Surftwin!!!!! I’m shocked!!!!! and in agreement …… obviously …..

  3. omg.
    You’re right, humans do suck…
    holy crap, and all you did was try to be a nice person.

  4. daisyfae says:

    Capital “C”, capital “UNT”. make some noise, sugar. that’s what you do when a crime has been committed. methinks his corporate masters might like to know what he’s been up to in SA. Grrrr…

    • Dolce says:

      Any coincidence that I’ve also been bitten by some strange biting bitey thing. Big red weals on my shins. That skank left her cooties in my home!


      Sadly, cops won’t do a sodding thing. But you’re right. He might be afeared that I’ll share his behaviour with powers that be. As long as my camera get’s replaced, he’s off the hook.

  5. Astonishing. Both his behavior and the fact that he could find someone to sleep with so quickly. I usually have to buy an expensive dinner and then beg, beg, beg. Sometimes, THAT’S not enough! Okay, lesson learned, yes? And you get a brand new camera out of it. Not a total loss.

    • Dolce says:

      haha – they DID only rock in at 05.30am – which means he could well have done all of the above. Hey, she also got R2000 (about $400) and his cell phone. Not a bad evening, all in, especially since by the noises I heard, they only managed about 10 mins of actual shagging.

      *double shudder*

  6. kyknoord says:

    So he got laid and you got screwed. I hope you’ve made it your colleague’s problem.

  7. tNb says:

    Brutal! As much as it pains me to say it … what surftwin and daisyfae said.

  8. Oh god. Nightmarish. Next time you want to play host I’ll lend Lulu to you. She is good with sussing people out and I have a rule: If she growls at you, you aint coming in. even if you are my dad.

    How sucky though. I feel for you. *hug*

    • Dolce says:

      oooh… a hugz…I like hugz.

      And I think I need a Lulu. Sadly, I can’t support a dog, what with the bizniz travel. But maybe a cat. Wants kitteh.

  9. Amanda says:

    This was sinfully delicious. Sorry it took such discomfort on your part to make me smile.

  10. […] is the worst house guest in the entire world (well, almost). Ambitious cockroaches study her habits before embarking on any major infestation. I suspect she […]

  11. Seraphine says:

    you are awfully generous calling him a human being.
    losing his lunch money probably served him right
    but why did he have to be so rude to such a generous host?
    and the skank who stole your camera probably has bigger problems than he does. be thankful you didn’t get your throat slit.

  12. shit man. that is suckage on a big scale. arsehole.

    • Dolce says:

      My very first response to him: where you careful. Did these fekkin’ boys not GET the dire warnings about sleeping with skany AIDS infested ho’s on the African continent? Needless to say, he assured me he wore a condom. I was more relieved about my mattress. *shudder*

  13. Flutter says:

    Flipping ingrate! It pisses me off when you go out of you way to help people and they just screw you, without a thought about it. Jerk! I curse him with a 1000 malaria infested mosquitoes and “her” with gangerine. So her hands just fall off!

    • Dolce says:

      haha, I’ve discovered that I have one small piece of leverage to work with…our mutual friend. He’s sheepishly asked me not to tell him. So, if he doesn’t replace the equipment, I’ll be sharing some lurid details.

      Eish, Fluts, I tell you. Being a nice person is getting harder and harder and harder.

  14. renalfailure says:

    Hunter S. Thompson this guy is not.

  15. Add my voice from North America in the CUNT chorus.

    The wine tour on the third day seemed a little like gilding the lily, though. After the morning vomiting, I’m surprised he was even interested.

    Rest assured that that karma will come home to roost on both the journo and the C.U.N.T.ho.

    Only ten minutess? I thought this was a young guy. Oh, but he was drunk. . . that explains it.

    • Dolce says:

      that’s the kicker…he wasn’t a particularly young guy…mid to late 30s. You’d think he’d have grown up a bit. But noooooooooo. Not so much. But, yeah, I suppose you do have to admire the stamina. 3 days of hard drinking, and he still got on ferry that afternoon to sail to the island. Eish. I’d be lying in a corner somewhere, weeping and rocking myself gentley, mumbling ‘no more, no more’.

  16. queenwilly says:

    Oh no. This is a terrible story.

    Because (A) he and the Ho are cunts.

    And (B) because you might never meet people like Joern.

    A few years ago, VERY early Sunday morning in Sydney, phone rings.
    Me: Hello.
    German voice: hello, I am at the fly.
    Me: Um, sorry.
    GV: It is Joern, I am at the fly.
    Me: Um, OK, Um, sorry?
    GV: I am friend of Bernd. I come to stay. I am at the fly. I get taxi to you?
    Me: Um, OK.

    Joern arrives, stays for a year, goes to Employment Agency and only jobs he is offered are as an underwear model for ladies nights (this is true!): still great friends.

    I am SOO glad he rang me from the fly.

    • Dolce says:

      You’ve reminded me to remember the cool strangers I’ve met. And the crazy people around the world who’ve taken me in when I’ve rocked up with an endorsement and a request for a bed.

      *must not get hardened. must not get hardened*

  17. kono says:

    Journalism – you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.

  18. robinaltman says:

    That is a terrible story of an ungrateful cunt and his skanky klepto ho. I really hope you get a new camera. Yet, nothing can compensate you for the nasal torture you were put through. What creeps.

  19. Wow, that sucks, that guy is a real ass.

  20. […] some time stuffing around with my new replacement camera – the one finally replaced after the skanky ho incident.  It was my favourite time of day; twilight.  And the city was cold and shadowed and […]

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