“All sorrows can be borne if you can put them into a story.” — Karen Blixen
I’m awake at 4am. It’s hot. I can hear the call to prayer. Normally a cue to curl back into sleep. But sleep doesn’t come. I’m thinking. Dark, damaged thoughts that make sleep impossible. I’m thinking about this blog. Wondering whether to write it. Because, really, this is no longer a neutral place. It hasn’t been for a while. A place to bare the parts of me that don’t fit. The parts that are ugly or fragile or dark. I wonder whether I should start again. Find another anonymous space, where my most vulnerable me can leak out. Without shame. Without making those I love uncomfortable. The me that only a small handful of people see. The shadow me behind the smiling eyes and fierce heart.
And then her voice is in my head. “This year I’m going to be more brave,” she said. This woman who is already so fearless. And I think why not. There are choices, and this is mine.*
LB has found another lover. He has moved on. And I have not. Which is ridiculous. Because I did the ending. And I love him, so I am happy he is happy. But it hurts. It hurts. And it banishes sleep. Wondering how I fucked it all up. Wondering how they are together. Wondering how I’m measuring up in the inevitable comparisons. Thinking these things and then flushed with such awful self pity. Such a fucking cliché. (God, I hate a cliché). And it’s all useless, wasted pain. Because I did this. I chose.
So I lie awake until the sun rises. Get up and force myself into the world. And smile and make small talk. And hope. Hope that this stupid self flagellation ends. Hope that the smiling and small talk will click over into something more fluid and light. That I’ll find myself again. Hope that tonight I will sleep.
“…the most memorable concern of mankind is the guts it takes to face the sunlight again.” Charles Bukowski.
*There are going to be more of these. I’ve been writing for ages, but not posting. The writing helps. Like a purge. And I know the choice to start posting again will make some very uncomfortable. And for that I’m sorry. I hope you’ll understand.