Obtuse

How curious this.  This breaking of rules.  This exploration of darkness.  This permission to be bad.  I know it’s the other side of a coin.  I know it’s not safe.  I know I shouldn’t.  I know there will be regrets.  I know.  I know.  I know.  But…

A boy said to me, once a long time ago, “I want to suck the marrow out of life”.  I keep coming back to that.  To the choice one has.  To exist.  Or to live.  The crazy challenge being to brave the hurt without hiding.  To brave experience without building a callus of uncaring.  To be fierce without causing harm.

Sometimes I wonder how I’ve reached 36 and can still be so naïve.  And sometimes I grin with glee that there is still so much to do.  That old adage, that the only thing you’ll really regret are the things you didn’t do.

It’s been a good / bad week.  And I’m not entirely sure what to do with what it’s brought me?

Advertisements

16 thoughts on “Obtuse

  1. daisyfae says:

    i have built a few selectively-placed walls here and there. a bit of kevlar on this bit, and just a patch of fiberglass on that one… i am armoured up where i feel i need to be. it’s created limitations in what i experience in some ways, but in others, it allows me to go forth with aggression and carefully managed fearlessness in other ways…

  2. lululabonne says:

    Movement is a good thing, sounds positve, much love xxx

  3. nursemyra says:

    Just run with it darlin’

  4. Brian says:

    And here I am, contemplating a trip that I can barely afford, just because if I don’t take it I might explode. Like so many deferred dreams. Hmm . . .

  5. Rob says:

    There are no do-overs. I’d never given it much thought before. I hope I’ve done at least as much living as existing.

    There’s a song by “A Perfect Circle” titled “Gravity.” It spoke to me once.

    Lost again, broken and weary
    Unable to find my way
    Tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
    Unable to just let this go

    I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
    Catch me, heal me,
    Lift me back up to the sun
    I choose to live…

    I fell again, like a baby
    Unable to stand on my own
    Tail in hand, dizzy and clearly
    Unable to just let this go

    I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
    Catch me, heal me
    Lift me back up to the sun
    I choose to live…
    I choose to live…
    I choose to live…

    Catch me, heal me
    Lift me back up to the sun
    Help me survive the bottom

    Calm these hands before they
    Snare another pill and
    Drive another nail down
    Another needy hole
    Please release me…

    I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
    Catch me heal me
    Lift me back up to the sun
    I choose to live…
    I choose to live…

    • Dolce says:

      Thanks Rob – it captures a lot of what’s going on. The surrender is interesting too.

      Do you know, that one of my anthems at the moment is “Defying Gravity” from the Musical Wicked (if you don’t know it, it’s about the Wicked Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz. In this version, she’s the good guy, and everyone else is fucked up. It’s AWESOME.)

      In it she sings:

      Something has changed within me
      Something is not the same
      I’m through with playing by the rules
      Of someone else’s game
      Too late for second-guessing
      Too late to go back to sleep
      It’s time to trust my instincts
      Close my eyes and leap

      It’s time to try
      Defying gravity
      I think I’ll try
      Defying gravity
      And you can’t pull me down…

      The whole song ROCKS (I’m a bit of a musical groupie)…

      Listen to it here:

  6. kono says:

    I spent so much time exploring the darkness i forgot what the light looked like, don’t get me wrong i now like lying in the sun half naked but i’ve always loved the dark end of the street, mentally and physically.

  7. Flutter says:

    If being bad makes you feel alive? Go with it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: