Survival

Right.  I was gone for a whole year pretty much.  So let’s catch up on 2011.

I started the year sad.  Thin.  Sadly not thin in a Kate Moss way, but rather in a stretched, emotionally wrecked way.

I started therapy.  Not just CBT, but deep psychoanalysis. Jesus, that shit’s hard core.

I sold a house, moved out.  And bought another one.  All in 42 days.

I moved three times. Mostly in between extensive travel for work.

I lived in a flat for two months with no fridge and no curtains.  And, literally, not a pot in which to boil water.  (Buddy of Bosom, I will be eternally grateful).

I went to London.  Twice.  And to Lisbon.

I put on an (*cough*…award-winning…*cough*) event in Shanghai.

Followed by 2 weeks of backpacking through a bit of Eastern China.

Followed by two more events in Johannesburg.

I lost one of my best friends.  (I think forever.)

I hired my first minion.  The hiring process took four months.  I received over 400 resumes and replied, personally, to every single one. I interviewed 18 and whittled them down to 3 for final rounds with the rest of the circus team.  I was nearly forced to kill my fearless leader as he tried repeatedly to derail the whole thing as only he is able.

I fell out with my mother.  We’re mending.  Slowly.  But it was appallingly emotional and very, very wounding.

I lost my sense of humour.

It’s only looking back that I realized why I ended the year at breaking point. Unable to cope, overwhelmed, and running on empty. No wonder my chemicals are borked.

Amazing that just over 3 months ago I was contemplating convenient ways to initiate my demise.  Now I feel like I kicked last year’s arse.

I survived, you motherfucker.  Now what?

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19 thoughts on “Survival

  1. nursemyra says:

    So sorry about the friend and your mother. Fall outs like that are hard to bear. I’ve never had a falling out with a family member, but then again I don’t live near any of them, so maybe that’s why we get on well.

    New Year, new tribulations but new adventures too. hope it’s more of the latter than the former xx

    • Dolce says:

      I’m sorry too. Mum and I have always had such a close relationship (too close?) and the falling out was a lot about resetting boundaries and finding the right space. But finding our way back has been really difficult.

      But you’re right. Onwards. New adventures. New experiences. New variations on relationships.

  2. daisyfae says:

    this just put every single “year in review” summary to shame. you had a year. despite the tumbles and knockdowns, you kept getting back up to either land the blows or take the hits. you are a champ, my dear!

    and you backpacked for two weeks in motherfucking China! onward!

  3. Healingmagichands says:

    Yes. You did kick some serious ass in that year. Losing your best friend? That hurts like hell, I know because that’s exactly what I did last september and that is why I am in therapy right now. I never had my mother to fall out with as she has always been way too involved in the destructive relationship she and my father have carried on for the last 64 years. Be glad you have something to mend.

    Like daisy, I’m jealous you backpacked in China. And you have a minion! Wow!

    You are so right that the overwork contributed to your spectacular descent. If you learned anything, perhaps it is that we must take care of ourselves before anyone else. Proceed with your justifiable pride in your survival, and know that this annealing fire can have only made you more pure and beautiful.

    • Dolce says:

      I think the ‘backbacking’ bit might be a bit of an exaggeration…very organised backpacking. With a bunch of other backbackers. And a chinese speaking guide. But it was pretty cool 🙂

      And thank you!

  4. hisqueen says:

    Damn…I want a minion..these kids just aren’t cutting it anymore. they are demanding pay for chores…little punks..
    You’re much stronger than me..just for backpacking through China..I can barely carry 2 books in my bag for school.
    Mothers…I haven’t talked to my adopted mother for over 23 yrs. No lose..she was brutal growing up and I feel unburdened more each year as I continue to move on..It’s been a slow process but thank god I only have small moments of flash backs now that my hubby pulls me out of very quickly.
    I’m sorry to hear about losing your best friend. It happened to me a few years ago and I still miss her. But it was for the best.

    • Dolce says:

      My minion is AWWWESOME. I ask her to do stuff. And she…does it! I want more. MORE!! MWAHAHAHAHA.

      Ooops. Right. Back on track.

      I am not really dealing with the friend thing. But it was largely my fault. So I have to take it like a man. A woman. A person. Yeah, one of those.

  5. Oy.

    Sometimes I feel as if I’m a display of apples at a market, and shoppers keep taking apples away. Apples from the bottom, though. The ones that anchor the whole spread. And one of these days, someone will innocently reach for one more shiny apple, and the whole damn thing will collapse. Sounds as though you could relate last year.

    • P.S. I regret not meeting you when I was in Cape Town last year, and I hope that our paths cross someday in the future. (Also, it would be great if you could turn gay between now and then.)

      • Dolce says:

        YOU. WERE. IN. CAPE. TOWN???

        #sigh

        Who was looking after the baby meows?

        And don’t collapes. 5-HTP. It’s incredible.

        • I bribed a friend to live in my apartment for two weeks, because … only the best for my girls. (This would hold true for my relationships. But I don’t have relationships.)

          I was there in October. I’d like to believe it overlapped one of your Asian/London/Lisbon adventures, and that we were actually not on the same continent at the same time.

          • Dolce says:

            October, I was here. Meh. It’s a plot. Did you at least get a drink bought for you by my lovely and much missed ex?

  6. robinaltman says:

    I lost my best friend about 13 years ago. It was awful. I still dream about her, and then feel really sad when I wake up and realize we’re not friends anymore. It’s the only friend I ever lost and it hurt like hell.

    Never lose your sense of humor!!! It’s impossible to survive in the world without one.

    • Dolce says:

      I KNOW! I know things are bad when I lose the humour. It happens once a month for about 2 days. But the rest of the time it’s my body armour. It had never happened for longer than that. Terrified me more than the suicidal thoughts.

  7. kono says:

    As a fiercely independent walking, talking, bastard i’ve lost more friends than i care to admit, some for good reasons and some for not so good, shit happnes you know? as for me mum i don’t know if you ever read the Late Night Maudlin Street posts but that contained all the blood and guts of my mom and me falling out and then patching things up… of course now it’s almost to the point of falling out again but i don’t give a shit anymore… maybe that’s the trick.

    • Dolce says:

      Blood and guts. That about covers it Kono. The trouble is, mothers know how to push the buttons because 9 times out of 10, they made them.

      I try not to give a shit. But I’m a shit giving type-a gal….

      ….um. That came out wrong.

  8. Rob says:

    Wow, what a year. Congrats on the ups….sympathies on the downs. Sorry about your mum. Hope things get back to an even keel there for you, and soon. I’m not much of a friend person – too much work, I guess or maybe it’s an avoidance thing. Who knows? On the whole, it’s good to see you all up and around, walkin’ and talkin’!

    Now, if that whole Mayan ‘pocalypse thing is a load of hooey, we should be in for a stellar 2013 shouldn’t we?

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