Tag Archives: baby

Expecting the unexpected….

I spent the larger portion on my early 30s desperate for a baby. In that quiet keening kinda way that disturbs small dogs and makes potential partners edge nervously for the door.  I even had a brief moment when I couldn’t imagine life having any meaning without the patter of tiny footsies.  And then I had to pull myself towards myself and come to terms with two clear facts: there was a good possibility that I was never going to have kids or if I did, I was going to be facing a non-traditional option.  

I weighed up the idea of various non-traditional approaches and eventually realised that doing things entirely on my own was probably not a road I wanted to go down.  So made some significant moves to investigating egg freezing. 

Not having kids took longer to get my head around than I thought it would.  But I did.  And the prospect was actually quite rad, to quote my 16 year old cousin.  International travel, less panic about stable income, sloth…yeah, I could do that. 

So imagine my surprise…

.Gah! It's ALIVE!

The universe laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs. 

If I dig deep for honesty here, I’m a little ambivalent.  I’d made other plans.  I’d shifted my perception of myself really rather drastically.  Mother was not fundamental to my sense of future self any more.  On the other hand, whoah!  Baby!  Squee!  A wee beastie in mah belleh.  A little zygote of pure loveliness.  Extraordinarily awesome. 

Fuck me.  Life does like it’s curve balls, don’t it?

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Welcome baby girl

hola baby girl!

Meet my niece, only about an hour old.

To think, I was just talking to her in her mum’s tum.  And now she’s here.  Radiant.  More than randiant.  Perfect.

Welcome, darling girl.  Can’t wait to get to know you.

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Introducing JMR*

Aaah, little boy.  The whorl of your tiny ear, tilted up to my whispering breath.  The plump folds of thigh and the strength of your grip.  The sweet chortle that makes a room light up.  Every moment a new one.  I didn’t know I could love you so quickly. How strange that this new life holds the love of a friendship of decades.  How strange that I know you, somehow.  Not just in your father’s eyes and your mother’s toes.  But in the way that one soul recognises another.  In the way that a circle closes.  In the way that the sun turns and the moon moves.  I hold you, little one.  I catch a glimpse of what must be every mother’s paradox; the joy of the possibility in your unfettered life against the cold fear of the world which waits for you.  And with my whole self I wish for you an infinite world.  An unrestrained life.  One lived well and full and without censor.  I miss you.

 

cute kid

cute kid

* my best mate has been out from the UK for a visit with her new baby boy, Mr JMR.  They left this week.  Sjoe.  It’s been hard. 

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