Tag Archives: Essex girl

Here comes the bride

I’ve been to a few weddings. After a while, I’m sorry to say, they all kinda merge into one white, floral encrusted blur. The odd speech stands out. Like the MC at my mate’s wedding who kept making circling motions with his hands and asking us to “feel the love”. The odd first dance. My sister rocking onto the floor to Freestyler. The odd car park brawl. My cousin backing the wedding merc into his uncle’s beemer. All good stuff.

But I’ve never been to one of those weddings. You know, the ones that become the stuff of legend. While reading Daisyfae’s hilarious account of a family wedding, I was reminded of an email I got from my bestest UK mate, J*, about a crazy family wedding of hers. In the interests of hooker bridesmaid’s everywhere, I share this with you:

Outline: I was going to go to the UK last week to attend my cousin’s wedding. But in the end I didn’t because I couldn’t get anyone to look after Oscie [J’s gorgeous pooch].
Anyway, I spoke to mum today to ask how it all went. God how bad is this?

The wedding ended up in massive punch ups:
Nottingman side vs. Welsh side (his vs. hers)
Bride vs. Groom
Bride vs. Mother in Law
Groom vs. his father
Groom vs. Bride again
Parents-in-Law vs. Parents in Law
Welsh side vs. Welsh side

They got given a bag of cocaine as a wedding present.

One of the bridesmaids is a hooker in Amsterdam.

The brides bouquet was pulled apart and flung off the terrace in pieces into the bar below (by the bride who ripped it up with her teeth after telling her new MiL to go F herself).

The groom was found at 7am naked and asleep in the hotel bar. He wee’d over the bar.
EVERY guest to do with the wedding was asked to LEAVE the hotel.

They are talking divorce.

Gutted I didn’t go now!

Now why the hell don’t I get invited to weddings like this?

*A classic Essex girl.  Who tought me the lyrics to Lydia the Tatooed Lady and everything I need to know about using drawing pins strategically.

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